Tuesday, November 16, 2010
When dry brown leaves rustled up during the wind, I looked back just thinking, just hoping to find a friend behind me. There was no one and nothing apart from the winds rustling up the leaves and birds chirping on the trees, the muddy path astrewn with small yellow and pink flowers and wild berries red and ripe. Such scenic beauty should have made me serene and happy with myself, drinking in the beautiful surroundings and lapping up natures abundant greenery. But all that I could think of was how lonely I was, it is true that I love solitude, but it is not what I crave for always, it is only one fondness of mine, not an obsession, but it starts to eat me up, corroding me from the insides of my heart, when I long to just chat , to be just heard, not seeking any advise, not asking for any favour, not looking for sympathy, only looking for sheer , pure understanding. It is said that friends , real friends, best of friends can go with out speaking to each other for years and connect back instantly as if they met only yesterday. I must admit , I have no such friends, I thought I had, but actually no, and all my friends are wonderful, they are very good, but it is me I am sure who does not win such warmth from my friends,it is my dry nature, or too much of expectations or may be something unknown to me, which makes me unworthy of such intense and deep friendships. Where someone believes you completely, criticizes you honestly, trusts you blindly, someone who listens to you without being judgmental, where you do not need to prove yourself, you can cry till you laugh, and laugh till you cry with such a friend. I envy those who have such friends, I know I sound like a 13 year old, confused and disappointed, but I actually feel this way now and so much so that I am writing it down to vent out my feelings . I am not looking for answers, they are all within me, I am looking to leave this aside and carry on.. with life.. which is sometimes unfair.. sometimes mean and sometimes keeps tempting.. then teasing.. then just disappears round the corner. Yes.. the brown leaves and the wind and the nature , the cold wind everything is evaporating into thin air.. leaving me out here .. to find my own answers ..to introspect and to just let go… Ye. I am not making sense.. but then sometimes life and feelings are such that it does not make sense.. sometimes.