Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Nothing

When dry brown leaves rustled up during the wind, I looked back just thinking, just hoping to find a friend behind me. There was no one and nothing apart from the winds rustling up the leaves and birds chirping on the trees, the muddy path astrewn with small yellow and pink flowers and wild berries red and ripe. Such scenic beauty should have made me serene and happy with myself, drinking in the beautiful surroundings and lapping up natures abundant greenery. But all that I could think of was how lonely I was, it is true that I love solitude, but it is not what I crave for always, it is only one fondness of mine, not an obsession, but it starts to eat me up, corroding me from the insides of my heart, when I long to just chat , to be just heard, not seeking any advise, not asking for any favour, not looking for sympathy, only looking for sheer , pure understanding. It is said that friends , real friends, best of friends can go with out speaking to each other for years and connect back instantly as if they met only yesterday. I must admit , I have no such friends, I thought I had, but actually no, and all my friends are wonderful, they are very good, but it is me I am sure who does not win such warmth from my friends,it is my dry nature, or too much of expectations or may be something unknown to me, which makes me unworthy of such intense and deep friendships. Where someone believes you completely, criticizes you honestly, trusts you blindly, someone who listens to you without being judgmental, where you do not need to prove yourself, you can cry till you laugh, and laugh till you cry with such a friend. I envy those who have such friends, I know I sound like a 13 year old, confused and disappointed, but I actually feel this way now and so much so that I am writing it down to vent out my feelings . I am not looking for answers, they are all within me, I am looking to leave this aside and carry on.. with life.. which is sometimes unfair.. sometimes mean and sometimes keeps tempting.. then teasing.. then just disappears round the corner. Yes.. the brown leaves and the wind and the nature , the cold wind everything is evaporating into thin air.. leaving me out here .. to find my own answers ..to introspect and to just let go… Ye. I am not making sense.. but then sometimes life and feelings are such that it does not make sense.. sometimes.

6 comments:

  1. Hugs Rekha! We all face such qs sometimes.
    And u definitely deserve having wonderful friends :) U r such a warm person :) :)

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  2. After marriage, we all devote all our attention to our husband and kids. I had really lovely set of school friends. Each one is now busy with their life. We try to catch up now and then, but that closeness is missing.

    But strangely after marriage, my sis, mother are my sole friends.

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  3. Rekhuuu, hugs! Like Swar said, a wonderful person like you definitely deserves to have wonderful friends. Wait for another month and I'll be in Delhi and this time WE ARE MEETING!

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  4. Swaram, thanks a ton dear.. its just the result of one of those 'not your day' types..

    Devasena, You are right, time changes our priorities in life..

    Deeps, AWW.. thanks so much kutta, nothing to worry da.. one of my blue moods.. hugs to you too sweetie !!

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  5. I am not looking for answers, they are all within me, I am looking to leave this aside and carry on.. with life.. which is sometimes unfair.. sometimes mean and sometimes keeps tempting.. then teasing.. then just disappears round the corner.

    These lines touched me...we all feel the same at some point of time but the reality is we have the answers for everything.... hope you are in a happier mood now...:)

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  6. Dear Sangeeta, Believe me, it is such a privilege to have you here and drop a few lines.. somehow I feel connected to you and I look up to you so much. I have to learn a lot from you.. the patience, the love, the warmth everything.. may be I am elder to you , may be I am not but I feel the love and respect I have for an elder sister for you.. I know we should not be giving names to virtual friendships but my heart tells me so about you very strongly. Thanks once again..

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