Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Happy birthday

My second born, my younger daughter turned five yesterday. Five years just flew by, I remember the very difficult pregnancy, the daily doses of insulin injections,  the day she was born she was almost bluish and how she was kept away from me for three days in the nursery, but still she seemed to be content and on her own. I was a very tired and depressed mother, the biting cold of Delhi winter was not helping much, but I remember distinctly that she did not bother me much, most of the times she was happy with the crowd of people around her, grandmothers, sister, cousins etc.

As time passed I observed that she was most happy in the company of her big sis, she looked around when she could not find her sister , when she started crawling, I could see her following big sis everywhere. I never realized when she had started eating on her own, doing her own things, started doing her homework and even talking so much to her sister, father and me. The fact is I never put any effort into all  this, I remember having a hard time in potty training my elder one, also I was constantly on her side in the evenings to teach her and make her study her alphabets correctly, here I did not even realize when the little one was potty trained, and how without me putting an effort she has started writing her alphabets and  words too…

Yesterday on her birthday, which we brought in without much fan fare I could see the amount of love she had for all of us, especially her sister, you give her two toffees and she will save one for her didi, when they sit down for dinner she will always bring two glasses of water, when I scold her didi, she would ask me not to scold her, she loves her didi’s company, they are happy singing songs together, choreographing their own dances, becoming teacher to each other in their teacher student play.

I am a first born myself and I always thought that my parents loved my sister more, but now that I am a parent, I can see that each child is different, infact the second born children are mostly on their own, by the time they arrive the parents are not so hyper any more, they have also learned their lessons in bringing up the first one, so they usually have a relaxed approach to the second one and the child also gets a cue out of it and becomes relaxed individuals themselves.

Suddenly I feel my children have grown up too fast , I would like to savour the moment, enjoy each day with them, hug them and inhale their baby softness some more, it may be just a matter of couple of years more that they might  start minding the hugs and kisses as expression of our love to them.

Happy birthday dearest daughter, love you and your didi to bits, God bless both of you !!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Motherhood

‘Motherhood’, when I was unmarried, I felt it was the most overrated virtue. When my mother used to get up early in the morning, even in the hardest of winters, and me and my sister were still curled up in the warm quilts, I used to wonder why does she have to do all these things? okay she has to cook but why get up so early for it, okay we have school, but then what is the need to get up at 5.am to do the cleaning and mopping and why get after our life to get up and get ready ??… well.. I even used to ask her, why do you do so much? Why can’t you sleep some more? Why don’t you ever relax? and my mother used to tell me you will know when your turn comes, but I was very sure that I will never be like her, my sleep and my comfort was too precious for me to even think of compromising on it for anybody.. anybody!!

Then I got married and even then I had no inkling, I still had the same feeling towards motherhood, I was not particularly inclined towards my nieces and nephews from my husband’s side, from our side I am the eldest so thankfully I did not have howling babies and naughty toddlers running around wild. I was greatly annoyed at the way my sister in law kept all calm and silent in the midst of screaming children jumping on the sofas or slyly scribbling on the walls , sliding down the stair case railing etc. After a couple of years when I was blessed with a daughter I still had no inkling, as people say, there was no instant connection, there was no love at first sight, in fact I made sure for a couple of days under the garb of recovering from my csec stitches that I never even looked at the direction of her when my mother or mother in law changed her nappies … aargh.. it was not for me to do it.. I thought I’d ask them to stay some more and let them do it, then I would have some ayah to attend to her, so I planned.

That was me, but the U turn came when after we had reached home and it was almost a week and I saw my husband, who was worse than me when it came to kids, changing nappies without complaining, infact I saw him taking the initiative, I saw him burping her, cradling her in his arms and saying sweet nothings… that is when I realized… it was actually a realization.. I felt guilty and bad about myself, how could I have turned my face from my child … I realized that neither my mom nor his mom is going to stay with us forever, I also realized that after a few months I would any way have to leave my child behind under my mother in laws care and join office, so I changed, I made an effort.  I looked long and hard at my daughter, her beautiful face (by now I know for every Mother, their child is the most beautiful) , jet black hair, such soft skin and the way she looked at me as if she knew I am her mother and I would take care of her. I started getting up at nights with out being called to feed her, change her nappies and hold her, she cried a lot during the first month, and I was upset , I tried to cajole her, soothe her and when nothing worked I even shouted at her and my father sleeping in the next room would wake up and take her from me and put her to sleep.

Motherhood, I tell you changes even the hardest of souls , I was one, I was least interested in kids, I was happy to be only me and my husband and no baby to attend to but when my daughter was born, a few weeks and I was changed, though I still have the hardness in me somewhere , like I used to yell at her for crying a lot, even now I do that for various reasons. Both my daughters have melted away my hardness and I am mostly a changed person now, and yes now I get up at 5.am in the mornings and cook because my daughter’s school bus comes at 6.30 am and now she asks me ‘Mamma why do you have to get up so early in the morning, why don’t you relax some more?

Yes... now I do not think ‘Motherhood’ is an overrated virtue at all, it definitely changes you for the better , it is not about any sacrifice.. it is not that you have to become a mother to become a better person but I sincerely believe that  it is about understanding another soul as you have never tried understanding any other........

Somersaults of a monkey mind


Isn’t it absolutely amazing the way our mind jumps from one thought to another in a matter of seconds. To keep the mind focused is the biggest challenge, I have been trying for the past couple of days, unsuccessfully though, to practise meditation. The moment I sit down on my mat in the early morning, with nothing but calm and peace around me to practise meditation, my mind starts jumping like an accomplished high jumper, a thorough gymnast and an effortless dancer, seriously, it is as if my mind is deliberately doing it, it is teasing me and mocking me or even challenging me to make it sit quietly and peacefully even for a minute. My mind opens up a myriad topics, some of which has never crossed my mind for so long, I tried chanting, I tried visualizing , affirmative thoughts but alas! Nothing, nothing seems to work.

1) When faced with such dilemma I turned to Google baba who directed me to various articles on   meditation

2) I read lots and lots on meditation and its positive effects

3) I imagined myself with a halo around my head (at least this will encourage my mind to behave !!)

4) I tried to go through each part of my body starting with my legs, imagining a positive energy travelling through it, but midway, by the time I reach the calves, I am thinking about how I have not baked a cake since long

5) I tried to see images on the wall on which I can concentrate, but all I see is what should I wear for office today ! heck!

I know many of my fellow bloggers and readers are really exceptional people with so much of knowledge, please give your expert opinion, your advise and help me achieve my goal, that is how to meditate successfully at least for five minutes to begin with… you might think that I am not serious about this, but believe me I am.. I am .. I really want to meditate and calm my mind and channelize my thoughts and energy into positivity in life… …only I am not able to control the somersaults of my monkey mind…