Sunday, December 29, 2013

Wrap up 2013

New Year 2014 Blessings Wallpaper
Picture Courtesy : Internet
 It has become a tradition of sorts with all of us bloggers to have that one last post of the year.  The post which would wrap up the whole year in just a few lines, a few paragraphs and then the whole anticipation for the New year about to come. 

Well, for me I think this year just flew by, really, I have not come across a year more lightning fast than 2013, the year started on a very low note for me , when my husband took ill in the first month of the year, it was such a downer, with worry and anxiety and lots of stress, but then by God’s grace things were back on track.

This year proved and sealed what I had been trying to deny ever since I started reading ‘Linda Goodmans’, I am sure all of us had read it once in our teen years/ college years and then always played the guessing game, 'you seem like a Capri', 'you must be a Leo' and all that.  Since the time I read it I always knew that I am not a typical virgo, I totally disagreed because I was not at all a cleanliness freak ‘ever’, I never worried about anything and I was never the ‘shy’ type, well…well it seems finally this year proved to me that I am a virgo after all, so what if I fall in the cusp, but I am a true ‘WORRIER’, I noticed that I always have something or the other up my sleeve to worry about , and I also learned that I might not be a cleanliness freak  but that line of dust on the verandah sill definitely gets me all worked up.

This year also made me realize once again that I am a nagging mother and wife, I know it , I hate it , but I can’t help it, the coming year would witness me turning another decade in my life – so would I be able to change ?, but I swear I try very hard not to nag my children to study or to wear their socks, or not to drink cold water straight from fridge but habit takes over and I end up doing it.. yes ..yes.. I always end up nagging… and I sound so irritating to my self… bah!

So you can see there are so many things I can have a resolution on this New Year, but I am not going to make any, because it all goes for a toss, it is like that ‘calory’ thing, you know it , you don’t want to have it but then ultimately what happens?? Yes . you know the answer… so No resolutions.. not even to have that tongue on leash, because believe me I have become too tongue tied now, I could not believe myself at certain point of time this year , when I actually did not speak or react at all and kept my mouth shut.. vow.. that was an achievement… I plan to carry that forward to next year, may be I would write a lot and talk less.

Ya.. I know all the above might sound like lot of ‘yapp yapp yap yakkity yak’ and contradictory , may be, but believe me it comes straight from my heart.. this year was a mixed bag, I learned to cry without tears, I learned to keep quiet when I had so much to talk, I learned to let go though it hurt me so much ..but it was a triumph with out any feeling of a triumph whatsoever….

On that confusing note… All my dear friends may God Almighty bless all of you with his choicest blessings in the coming year, wishing you all a Very, Very Happy, Safe, Prosperous and Peaceful New year.

Waiting to unwrap 2014 with great hopes and greater optimism… Take care and God bless !!

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Tagged !!

Yeah... I know its been too long since I came here.. so here I am back with a Tag... thank you Seema (Horizon) for the Liebster and tag, and thank you Vincy (scrambles) for inspiring me too to write  by taking up the Tag first... 

Here is the Tag:

1) What is your favorite word or phrase?
'Take care', and I really mean it for all my friends and family

     2) What holiday makes you sad?
Holiday.. they are always 'WELCOME'... no sadness..

     3)What is the most cheekiest thing you have done till date?
Can't say , it is too cheeky to write here ;)

     4)What is the last meal that you made for yourself?
Well, I cook daily and today I cooked 'alu palak' and paranthas for breakfast 

     5)What was your best birthday ? Why?
Last to last birthday of mine a long lost friend of mine sent me a cake and bouquet with a small note,( we had studied together since vth std. ,  were in touch off and on), it was such a pleasant surprise for me , I was really touched 

     6)What would you do if you won the lottery?
I would thank all my stars, quit my job and enjoy my life and write a book, and would take pleasure in little things like  waiting  in the afternoons when my kids return from school... the thought itself gives me so much of pleasure...

     7) If you had a warning label, what would urs say?
  'Do not mess - explosive material'

8) Have you ever got sweet revenge on someone?
 No only planned... ha.. ha...

    9)Who was your first best friend?
I have lost touch with her....

    10)What is the most scariest thing you have ever done?

I have taken lifts from strangers when I was in college  (later stopped).. in Delhi... now it did not feel scary at that time as every one did  it, now when I look back it seems to be the scariest....

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I know for sure....

A Slow , dull ache spreads all over
And seems to  effect only  for a moment
Then it quietly gets into my blood,
Leaving me glossy eyed,
Smothering me gently,
Caressing the life out of me
But not letting me die
Just letting me bleed, 
all I need is 
Just a drop of warmth from you,
A bear hug , 
how can you
Just not feel my pain?
Is it because you are numb
With  all the life’s hurricane?
I understand, I know,
But I am detached, may be forever, but
I will not end up like you
How much ever my genes want me to be
I would overcome the block
I would know, I would be warm
My arms and shoulder shall wrap
Into bear hugs , my palm , my fingers
Would wipe away all the aches
All the tears and I shall love till my death
I shall always know when loneliness
And ache shadows
I shall be the solace
That would be till life shall be…
I am trying my best and I shall be, for sure,
I shall not let the slow, dull ache
Spread any more,
 not seep into my blood any more, for sure,
I know for sure

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Fragrance of calm and Peace

The moment  I enter my house in the evening, there is a distinct smell in the air and it is always hard to miss, it is the mixed  fragrance of sandalwood incense and the rose dhoop which my daughter lights while doing the evening puja. After a hard day and long hours in maddening Delhi traffic, this divine scent gives me so much of calm and peace, it also makes me happy because my daughter does it and I feel good that I have passed on a good tradition and habit to her in this tender age (she is just 11 year old). It also makes me doubly happy to see that  when she lights the diya, does the pooja and let's the calming smells take over the house, my younger daughter (just 5) is also with her, watching her didi and learning every bit of it and praying earnestly with all her innocence and faith.

This serene smell also takes me back to my childhood, from where I learned the importance of ‘ namam choll’ (which means offering evening prayers), I remember sitting in the huge verandah of our traditionally built house in kerala which had intricate designs of flowers and divine entities carved on the verandah and the poomukham (the heightened front verandah) where we all used to sit in front of the lighted ‘nilavilakku’, the traditional kerala lamp and we used to offer prayers to the lord in loud but melodious and pleasing to the ears hymns.  It was a must to do the evening puja and then proceed to study, and read our lessons loudly so that my granny who used to be in the kitchen at the other end of the house,  making preparations for supper could hear us clearly. All this happened in the dim but such divinely beautiful light of a lantern perched on a hook on the pillar of the verandah, yes, there was no electricity in our house at that time, and my youngest Aunt who was only a few years elder to me used to top her class every year studying under this very lantern’s dim  light.  Along with the lighted lamp we used  make small garlands of jasmine flower for our God and Goddess and light an agarbatti and keep it on the elephant shaped incense holder, the heady mix of agarbatti and jasmine to till day takes me back to my house in yore.

Coming back to present day, I personally feel that every house has it’s very own smell, I know for sure that till a few years back , my house smelled of babies, yes , you heard it right, the typical smell which comes from every house which has a baby- the smell of baby powder and baby lotions mixed with milk, I just love baby smells and I used to hug my baby and breathe in her smell and she used to laugh peals of laughter in sheer happiness .

Today, I am proud of having a house which smells pleasant and  serene, both in the mornings and in the evenings as we light the diya and the incense in front of the almighty thanking for his blessings every day….

I am sure that such is the power of the smell of one’s own house , especially that of in childhood, that my children , just like me would remember the very same fragrance and tradition that they inhale and  imbibe in our home every day  and shall  definitely pass it on to their children as well.

This is posted under the Ambipur  contest of 'smelly to smiley' by Indiblogger

Friday, August 16, 2013

A bit more !

You are the sand slipping away

Not  stopping , not clinging on ,

Not even on sweaty, shaky palms

The multitude of blessings

You bestowed while walking away

You are never melted by the gratitude

You just do  what you have to

Sometimes showering sweetness

Sometimes the salty tears

You are never shaken by any sight

Fresh  mornings, drowsy afternoons

And the flashy fast night

You are the same

you do not pause, only we do,

for savouring your gifts

or lamenting your harshness

But please, please slow down

For I need to do a bit more

Hug my babies some more

Say sweet nothings to my better half

Cuddle a bit more

Forgive those who hurt me,

And, seek forgiveness from those whom I hurt

heal the wounds  even if I never gave it

Smell the flowers, enjoy the rains

Cook some snacks, enjoy my work

Read a bit more, write a bit more

Please , please slow down

I need to live a bit more

I need to live a bit more….

Friday, July 26, 2013

The 100th post - Yes, it is !!!!!

 I never thought I would be reaching this far. Many of my fellow bloggers, wonderful writers and superb human beings have reached here way, way ahead of me and I am so proud of them. For me, many posts are lying in my drafts wherein I had decided to call it a day, yes, I had decided many times to quit blogging. I was very unsure of my existence in the blogger world, I saw many bloggers posting just one post and getting comments after comments, and me, at the max just one comment or two or may be four because these are the number of very good, encouraging and supportive friends I have in the blogs world. But let me tell you, I never got jealous of them, I was and am always in awe of them, their untiring spirit, their beautiful writing, selfless and happy human beings, yes Swar, Ian, Vincy, Deeps you wonderful people , it is most appropriate for me to dedicate this 100th post to you guys without whose encouraging words I would have left this place very long ago, Thank you and BIG HUGS, you don’t know you are such gems!! And my special thanks to Nancy for my first ever blog award, and hers is one blog which no one should ever miss!

I have stumbled upon many treasure troves in the blog world, for one are the absolutely lovely food blogs, bloggers who are blogging with such dedication and beauty , I love their blogs and am a big fan of them, to name a few are Banaras ka khana, kichukhon, kitchenmishmash, fatchicgoesslim, riascollection, maayeka and so many more, I can fill a page with such names, and I have always, always tried my best to leave my comments on their wonderful recipes and anecdotes. There are so many other blogs who are just out of the world, I think I will have to do a separate post dedicated on this….

I know it’s no big deal for many, the 100th post that is, but for me it is, because this space was and is still a space where I bare my soul and mostly pour out my anguish, this space has witnessed my ramblings, personal, professional, social and what not! I am grateful to today’s technology to have provided people like me, who are bloggers (and I am sure there is a writer somewhere in every blogger) a space to sprout wings. Some writers get offended on being called a blogger turned writer but I think it is a matter of pride that we have had got our fair share of practice and experience of being an amateur (!) writer in the blog world, at least we are able to satisfy our urge and fascination to pen down our thoughts and in turn we have got amazing friendships over the years.

Sorry for sounding like a Big thank you speech, but this is special for me. I would also like to thank all those who have visited my blog but never left a comment, I understand, and I appreciate your visits, but one of these days please say something so that I am encouraged to write more and better, the dashboard shows that you came but what you felt, it would be wonderful to know too!!

Last but not the least, my followers, your presence means so much to me, thank you for reading me and for being there, it is so encouraging..… I am wonderfully happy about this 100th post and am looking forward to many more… ‘Comments or ‘No Comments’ ;)

Friday, July 5, 2013

After effect !

There are many instances in life wherein I have really longed to go back to the past. I am longing for the time when I was 4 years old may be 5 not more than that , that is the time where I would like to go back to . I do not want to live in the past  for days together; there are some particular days and tastes which are etched in my memory forever. I remember relishing the crunchy , fruity rose apple with its distinct flavor, which I remember even now as if I am eating one right now, so is the nutty flavor of the wild jack, it’s fruit , so different and so tasty and it’s nuts which acquires a totally different taste when you eat them roasted.

The green paddy fields stretching out far towards the railway line, wherein at night the train zoomed past with lights and noise, it used to be the only sighting of light at night which we had apart from the light from the lanterns that we used at our home, then there was the twinkling light of the glow worms which looked like happy stars on the earth at night.

Yeah ! I know for sure that this is the effect of ‘The time travelers wife’ which I just finished reading. How I wish I could woosh in and out of my past, the beautiful , dewy , innocent childhood and just take sneak peeks at the future, sigh !!

P.S: The book has left me with a heavy heart and for some time I am going to be stuck with Clare in her waiting and longing….

Sunday, June 23, 2013

The balancing act

It gets pretty tough sometimes, the balancing act I mean,
surging through the daily grind, life loses its sheen
by default I am the one to find the rainbow
just forgetting the constant aches that perches on the brow
ignoring the pains gnawing at the joints
getting the nerves all knotted up, worrying up on so many points

How I wish I could bring myself to hug you tight
and not shout when both of you indulge in harmless fight
when you come running to me in the evenings with happiness
I am fighting a war with my tired body and am so full of snappiness
When you excitedly show me the stars in your book
my mind is already occupied  as to what shall I cook

Everyday I tell myself, on weekend I am going to just cuddle,
love and pamper both of you
But the constant irritants pulls me back and I see the sadness in you
the apprehensions, how is mamma today??
my heart cries  and my pillows are wet at night ,
I am drowning in a teary , guilt ridden puddle

It gets pretty tough sometimes, the balancing act I mean,
My children , my lifeline, please forgive me
My better half, my support, please forgive me
somedays all I want is to hug you and be with you
to smile and be playful and to get back the sheen
to paint my life with all the colours of rain bow
to hear the tinkle of laughters
of you my beautiful daughters
and to lean on you my love

I promise I will get over this
like so many out there I will also overcome this
my spine is of steel, I shall not wither
it's in me to stand upright, forget the pains and aches
and smile and laugh and cook and hug
and be proud of the stars in your book
and to see the love in your eyes
just give me a moment, let me gather my wits ,
let me wipe away the tears, just this last time
just this once,
I promise I will get over this

Monday, May 13, 2013

Thank You

The small little feet that kicked inside me

Gave me the first glimpse of motherhood

The frail, little angel , cocooned on my lap

Gave me the first flicker of a mother’s worry

The love and affection , the scoldings and arguments

The worry and protection and your endless strength

Made sense to me , I started fitting in your shoes

the moment my little angel was born

As a mother I started to understand my mother

Who lived a turbulent life

Had the spine of steel

Is an epitome of strength

Who never wilted under the hardest of storm

Who always protected us through the harshest parts of life

I would like to say thank you for this wonder ful life

I would like to say sorry for every tear you shed because of me

I would like to say you are the best mother

You are the strongest

You are the reason I can be a working mom

And still be at peace about my children

Safe and sound and loved in your lap

Thank you mother for everything

And sorry for all the hurt

All the harsh words, all the arguments

All the screaming, all the tears

Thank you Mother for this wonderful life

Thank you for being there through thick and thin

Monday, May 6, 2013

The best Prompt !!

Sometimes it needs a little prompting to get the best out of you, and I am definitely one of those, I need a good prompt to do my bit of writing, especially the best one that is.

The story goes like this, it was ‘Mothers day Meet’ at my younger daughter’s school, she is in UKG and her school organizes this day with a lot of activities and fanfare every year, so I went to the school all excited , as my little one was there in the dance programme dancing to the tune of ‘Naani teri morni ko mor le gaye’, so I got her Naani that is my mother also to come with me and enjoy her dance, and since I had been attending this function every year I near about knew the all the activities that would follow. So there I was sitting pretty and enjoying the sight of toddlers and teachers and enjoying the company of so many other mothers who had gathered there. Suddenly there was a twist to the story as the Prinicpal announced that they had arranged a small activity for the Mothers too, they had arranged for a question answer activity for the Mothers, this question paper had 11 questions and we Mothers had to attempt it to the best of our ability and the Mother who shall give the best answers shall be getting a ‘prize’. Vow.. now.. that was surely a surprise and all the Mothers started their writing spree at the word ‘go’.

I really liked the question paper, it had such emotional, such prompting  questions, such as ‘What are the values you have imbibed from your Mother?’, ‘What is the one thing about which you and your Mother argued the most in your teenage years ?’ and the classic one ‘What is the difference between a Mother and a Mother in law according to you?’, so as I have said above, I am someone who performs best when prompted in the best way. After around 20 minutes (time given was 30 minutes) I was the first one to submit the paper to the Principal Ma’m and when all the papers were collected and she started checking it, I could see the smile on her lips.

Once the little children had enthralled us with their excellent performances and had made us, all the Mothers,  all teary eyed, it was time for the result to be declared, and Voila! the name that was announced was of none other than, ‘yours truly’, and the Principal was so impressed with the answers and one in particular that she read it out for all, and can you guess which was the question which fetched me the first prize?? Yes, it was the classic one ‘What is the difference between a Mother and a Mother in law according to you ’??? ..

You want to know the answer that I gave??,Well, it is going to be another post altogether !!!!!

Monday, April 22, 2013


There is no pain which can be compared to a mother's pain when she sees her child suffering. 
There can be no pain worse than the pain when you are brutally violated, raped and scarred for life.
There can be no suffering which can be more than the childhood whose innocence has been cruelly snatched away.
There can be no helplessness which can be compared to the helplessness where you can see your child's rapist and can do nothing about it , only wait for the system to do justice, a system which is rotten and stinking and has no hope of getting cleansed...
What a Country, what pathetic systems???
Selfish and dangerously ambitious people sitting on important chairs...
Where is the Democracy??
What happened to the the fundamental rights ????

What are we coming to?????

Friday, April 19, 2013

Again and again and again

Here, it was only a few months ago that I wrote a post pouring out my anguish and agony over the brutal rape of Nirbhaya. 

Now here I am,  again, but this time I have no words to express what I feel, all I feel is a very painful numbness and every time I look at my five year old daughter I can not just control my  tears.  What kind of human being can inflict so much pain on a baby , on such a frail child, a five year old girl child hardly weighing 20 kgs, how could he have brought himself to insert foriegn objects into her body, I just can not bring myself to write any more about the brutalities.  Doctors says her body has been mutilated to such an extent that they have not seen such a case in their career. The rapist has been compared to an animal but I have never come across such behaviour in animals, they would be ashamed to be compared to him.

I feel a heart wrenching pain just thinking about the pain that child must be suffering, her childhood has been scarred forever. I can not stop comparing the child with my daughter , exactly five years like her, she is right now playing with her doll, talking to her, and coming to me now and then with a request to comb her dolls hair, put a pin on its dress,  would 'gudiya' ever be able to play like this again.  The sweet smile , the small little body , the games the baby talk everything wells up my eyes again and again... I just can't stop thinking about this child and the amount of agony she and her parents, especially her mother might be going through now.

There is nothing more to say, in 4 months Nirbhayas rapists, one of them allegedly hanged himself, two are paving path of escape by means of an exam they are preparing to appear, another one , the juvenile ,  the one who brutalised her the most would walk free in a matter of months with some petty punishment, what about her soul?? what about her parents ?? the vacant look in her mother's eyes is haunting. 

Ther is nothing called 'Damdar dilli' or 'Dildar Dilli', Dilli has lost it, to such goons and men who roam the streets and gullies of Dilli looking for small girls and young women, they do not even spare old women , all they need is a body , a female body to scar, to brutalise , to satisfy their lust and then throw away in some garbage dump, and  the  Dilli police,  whom all of are scared to approach, who does not think twice before slapping young girls protesting a five year old's rape and the lawyers who are ready to fight the case for such brutal beasts are not of any help. 

My only wish is to run away from here as fast as possible, as early as possible huddling my two daughters, never letting them go away from my eyes and my embrace. I wish safety and innoncent childhood for every child and a safe and secure society for every young and old woman alike, will it ever , ever come true????

Wednesday, April 17, 2013


Today I am going to experiment with silence.  Sometimes silence is the only weapon, only cure and only option available but it is hard to use , but if used properly and at the correct juncture it is the most effective tool for keeping a calm mind and surroundings !!.

 So many things go wrong because we say unnecessary things at unwanted times, we talk when we should have kept quiet.  Many a days I have started my day at office with a firm resolution to keep my mouth shut, but I have always, always miserably failed, today is such a day at office and today is an important day where my silence can teach me many lessons and leave many wondering , so I am going to experiment with 'silence' once again (with iron wil).

Tomorrow I will update the lessons that I will be learning , infact I should say " tomorrow I will update the lessons that silence will be teaching me today " , till then take care...

my own little place

Its been so long , I plan to come here often but when I open the page to write  words fail me.. I planned to slyly quit, planned to silently say goodbye to the blog and also to my writing.. but somehow I just could would be equivalent to saying goodbye to my reading which I can not do without. 

Life just goes on throwing some surprises, twists and turns but I am grateful to God for giving me the strength to sustain, to overcome, to grow stronger.  If I regret anything then it is  the lack of time I get with my children, I wish I could be with them more, to see them blossoming into individuals with choices and talents but most of the time I miss out on it and sometimes I so strongly want to  throw away my job and sit at home cuddling them, playing with them, help them studying, go out with them, prepare hot meals for them when they are back from school, be there with them when they are unwell or not feeling good.  These are all wishes which may not get fulfilled ever except on weekends and holidays, may be later when I am old and have all the time in the world, my children will be away to their own homes, with their own children or their own jobs or priorities.. well..quite possible but that would be so heart wrenching...... so much time and no children  around....
 I wish my reading and writing shall  be with me forever , my writing is like a dormant volcanoe, it is there simmering away , may be it will explode some day , may be many many years later , but it can never die.. it shall always be breathing within me.

I observed that many of my fellow bloggers whom I had been following or who have been following me are all inactive, most of them might be working on a novel for all I know, so many of the bloggers have become such successful novelists... As I read somewhere on a blog... every blogger has a story inside, a novel inside, waiting to be born and it is so true.

I know this post does not make any sense but then I just typed whatever I am feeling now...

I am thankul for this small , little place that I own in this cyber world , where I can pour out my feelings and be myself... my blog.. my own little place....

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

wet woes

The blood is not thicker than tears,

Tears that refuse to flow

Confused and desperate

Not finding a release

Not able to contain the saltiness

Not finding a shoulder

Not finding enough paper

To scribble on the wet woes

Not finding a soul

No hand on hands

No love , no blessings to count on

No comfort to hang on to

Looking for an opportunity to flow

But not able to let go

Feeling breathless, clueless

But knowing all the while

Blood is not thicker than the tears

The sad , lonely tears…..

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

No change !!

It's been over a month since I last posted here, but my mind is still with that last post, everything around me reminds me every day about the incident. I know the crowds are frequenting Jantar Mantar only once in a while, the hue and cry has died down, but nothing else has changed, I mean, no change, absolutely no change in the eyes that rape you every day, the meanness, the cruelty, the disregard, the insult that these unending eyes unleash on you everyday is seen to be believed. Delhi , my dear Delhi, what  has happened to you, where you always like this?? yes , I think so, I remember some childhood incidents which tells me so, where people did not give any concession to a child but tried to take advantage that the child is female, some unfortunate incident in my close vicinity and the way people dealt with it, people, educated, well educated, well cultured reacting to it really really made me think that it is a herculean task to change our society, it has been trained over the years, moulded over centuries to treat women as objects of desire, I think I am putting it rather decently here, any woman who goes out to work has a questionable character ??? any men who is a good performer at his workplace can always have the benefit of doubt from that sexual harrassment charges that has been put up against him, but the person who complaints, the girl in question can always be brought under the lense of morality and check and recheck ten times whether she has a good moral character ???????

What are we coming to ?? I have written here in my blog many times, once again I am writing , are we coming dangerously close to a time when mothers of daughtes, out of distress, would start killing their own daughters, just to save them from the cruel hands of some rapist, some psycho, some regular guy who thinks molesting a girl is another game he is playing on smartphone and no regrets what so ever ???

It's a totally frustrating situation which is unfolding in our Country, the generation of youngsters today, and even the middle aged, they  are just not bothered about law, they beat up police men, they molest and rape girls as if it is the most natural thing and with out the slightest traces of remorse !!!  even the smallest of boys, just sprouting moustache can be seen ogling , surely on their way to some serious cases in future, how easily they imbibe the worst tendencies of their seniors in society...

Would things ever  change ????