Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Empty Onam.....

It is Onam today. Somehow this Onam is making me nostalgic and emotional, may be because this is the first Onam after my grandmother's demise, so actually we are not celebrating today. I feel a huge hollow inside me, my heart, I feel empty, I feel bad for the long 5 years when I did not call up my grandmother on Onam, I did not go visitng her, did not even call her up to hear her voice on that day.  I lost precious five years and the sixth year when things had normalised I was way too busy with kids, exams and the daily life to take out some time to go visit her. 

Today I am overwhelmed by the memories of my childhood, the memories of Onam, memories of sweet fragrances emerging from the kitchen in the quaint little house in a beautiful small town of Kerala.  The special glassware that my grandmother would take out on special occassions like Onam to serve Payasam, first it will be served and plated for the Gods and then us. There are some memories in life which hug you hard and does not ever let you go. Onam and the love and simplicity of my grandmother are some of them.  

As years are passing by and I am getting busier and kids are growing up, a sense of loosing grip on time and everything dear is slightly creeping up. The fear of losing looms large sometimes.  Something knots up and tightens inside me everytime I want to laugh out loud or enjoy  my life, may be it has something to do with age or may be with the medicines that I am taking which again is related to age, well.. whatever ... wishing you all my dear and near ones a very Happy Onam. 

Please today on this happy occassion or whenever there is one at your place please pick up that phone and talk to your parents or grand parents or that favourite cousin of yours or that long lost friend and feel good... life just goes by and sometimes it will throw curve balls at us without giving us any time to think or plan .. so please bury the hard feelings.. let the ego die down... this life is short and relationships are precious..just hug your grandmother tight and relish her love for you... I wish I could do that  but mine is not around .... don't let this sense of loss engulf you... don't let that happen to you.




Friday, September 2, 2016

Guiltily yours

 

I am planning to go on a girls night out with the girl gang... and I am like shattering into pieces already from inside.  Every time I look at my daughters I feel guilty, guilty that I shall not be around a whole night and half day and I am actually going to have fun without them around.  I have spent nights out with my friends earlier but I have always had my kids around.  Also I have gone out on official trips many times, for days together, I have felt bad and guilty not to be with them for helping them around but not the guilt in this proportion because I know I am working and they know that too, here I know I am having fun and they know that too. I thought of not telling them about the trip but then the guilt would only double.


I feel as if I am really going to do something gigantically unmom like  (er... I know there is no such word) well, I feel bad, and many times I almost dialed my friends number to tell her that I can not do it, I can not have fun with out my kids, how can I ? it is totally not happening.  While doing this I realized that as parents how much our lives revolve round our kids, anything and everything that we do in our life has to be done taking into consideration how it would affect our kids, whether it is something as complicated as moving to a new city or location or something as simple as ordering food from outside, everything has to be in sync with our children and their liking and comfort. 


Then one fine morning our children, all set and ready to go and explore the world will say their goodbyes to us and just fly away leaving the nest empty, mothers like me will sit permanently perched on the windowsill looking out for our children to come home during holidays, during summer breaks, during our anniversary, birthday etc. but then they will be busy with their own lives, their children, they will plan their summer breaks, their holidays, anniversary and birthdays as per the liking and comfort of their children, they will make all their plans as per their children, it is only but natural .... and history shall repeat itself... 

 

The whole point is parents, especially mothers and that too working mothers die a thousand death if they take out even a day out for pampering themselves or going out with their friends , we feel that we are snatching away the time that our children deserves with us. Some one like me who is a natural worrier will not even enjoy the outing even if I finally decide to go ahead with the night out plan, because every time I  will be loosening out and about to relax I shall remember my kids at home and shall embark on my guilt trip with all my might...

 

 

I am guilty.. guiltily yours... my children..........