Wednesday, December 30, 2009
1. Not to expect anything from any body, be it a friend, a relative, a colleague, a subordinate, my family, my spouse, my children. Not to expect reciprocation of feelings, gestures, goodwill, love , liking, respect, gifts, good wishes, emails , letters, cash, kind, good , bad or anything which I am forgetting to mention here.
2. To give priority to my husband, my children and my parents and my in laws and to my God above all, above everyone and above everything in this world.
3. To try and keep amicable relations with everyone, may be I have to grin and bear but then yes I have to, I have to, I have to.
4. To listen more and talk less, listen patiently and talk less, listen and only listen and stop the urge to react, over react, cut and dry.
5. To talk less, yes I have started admiring those people who have the talent to keep shut even in very adverse situations, I salute their ability to control their urge to lash out and keep their tongue on leash.
6. To respect all the relations irrespective of whether they do things as per our liking, they have liking for someone else, their affinity to something which we do not have affinity to. Only respect, it is not necessary that I have to keep on loving them, crying for them, cry because they do not behave the same way they used to etc. etc.
In hope of abiding by each one of them.. hoping and hoping..
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Rippling circles on sparkling surface
Rain came pouring down
I saw a happy leaf talking to a gurgling stream
I smelled the soothing fragrance of rain
falling on to yearning earth
the sound of birds chirping away
and the sight of wild flowers lay strewn
under the bottle brushed trees
amidst dark clouds and gleaming lightning
squirrels scurried over to the hole in the Banyan tree
And I lay curled on a soft rug
warmed by the ambers in the Victorian fire place,
looking through the French window,
at the wet wild flowers
strewn under the bottle brushed trees
Monday, December 7, 2009
This year, more than once I found this thought at the back of my mind like a wall paper, that, our life is like a bubble, it may burst any time and till the time we have colours of rainbow reflecting from it and we are floating around in the horizon, everything is just fine, but it could be that we might just go pop in a matter of seconds.
I do not know why this thought keeps on recurring in my mind, may be there is something to learn from it, may be it is giving me the message to be patient, to listen more and if not able to forgive, at least to make me forget. I do not know , may be.
I am happy to reach the fag end of this year, just hoping to find lots to cherish round the corner. I Just want to dilute the bitterness with the sweet fragrance of freshly baked Christmas cakes, and the soulful spirit of the pious festival in the air. Just hoping to pick up some threads which snapped off midway, and to live and let live, hoping to see the new year show its bright face and light up all of us, our lives, with hope and cheer.
Monday, October 26, 2009
On Friday we moved to our new 100 crore , sprawling 9 floor tower ,newly set up and build by our own Engineers in the NCR region. When the tower was inaugurated I felt more proud than my Chairman himself because when I joined this company it had 80 odd people and a small , rented office with a capacity to seat that many people only. Slowly but steadily things started moving, then the slow pace was left behind , much behind and we were on a roller coaster ride , purely upwards on a growth so vigorous that we were there almost on all the floors of the 12 storied commercial building in a short while. Sorry I digress, this was not the growth story of my Company, this was a rant, err. is a rant.
From the day I shifted to our new tower on to our floor , to our cabinet, I was really really hurt and aghast the way people were ready with a sting and a bite to complain about everything they could lay their eyes on. Honestly , I did not find more than a couple of people who had praise or as much any appreciation for the design, or the seating or the facilities provided by the Company. I could see employees having at least one negative feedback for even the best of facility provided.
I am not saying that employees should not complain or give their feedback, but atleast a word of appreciation for the mammoth effort put in by the people involved in the project, the heart and dreams of a big man who is instrumental in providing such facilities to his employees are all so comfortably put behind them that they do not even bother to utter a single positive word. At home when we make do with one fan and a cooler or may be one AC in one bedroom only (applicable to normal middle class working people), but when in the office the AC functioning has some hiccups to start functioning, they crib, even in this month of October when there is already a nip in the air. When conveyance is provided from their doorstep till the office, it is not all that comfy for them because now they have to board the bus half an hour earlier than their usual routine, but they forget about the jostle and push they used to suffer in a chartered bus or a blue line earlier. That the lift is too slow !!, till yesterday they were competing with people of 12 floors in a commercial building and waiting at each floor for at least 5 minutes to get to their particular floor, sigh !!
I can go on and on about the complaints, some complaints can be considered as feedback on which the management can work and streamline things further, but most of them are thoughts which are unreasonable, not thought over, the only basis or yardstick for such thoughts are only their own notions of ‘comfort’ and ‘luxury’..
If you guys are thinking what I am thinking.. then no please .. I am not in the Administration department and nor am I the Engineer who designed the building. But , yes , I sit at a place which is known as the pulse of the organization and I was really disappointed and disturbed at the disorderly pulse of our employees…
Yeah.. one more information which I can recall for trying to calm my agitating mind is that one of our employees had a complaint after returning from an ‘all expenses paid by the Company family holiday, travel to Delhi –Goa –Delhi by Kingfisher flight , and boarding at cottages in Taj hotel, Goa’ —and it was like this "The hospitality of Taj was not Good"---- now that was the icing on the cake isn’t it ????
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I was walking barefoot along the river,
Pebbles criss crossed my path.
The river was a colour of light milky tea,
The grass on the river bank was damp.
I sat on the damp grass looking at a lone boat,
Silhouetted against the moonlight
It stirred in me the desire to slowly drown myself,
Into the cold caressing water,
the depth of the river sent ripples of fear in me.
I slowly stood up and smelled the lilies blooming near
Clutching on to myself I walked back,
To the wooden desk with a candle lit,
My hands intertwined, moonlight crept in and
For letting me feel the pebbles under my feet,
For the damp grass and the moonlight,
For the cold and inviting water,
For four little hands and a strong shoulder
For my whole life and for whom I strive
With teary eyes full of faith and gratitude
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Once the savoring was over , I would turn my whole attention to my daily task and that was to give all the detail about the days activity (s) to him, and the details did not cover only me , it was about everybody at home, what we ate, what we did the whole day, who came visiting, what fish did grandma buy for dinner , whether my aunts fought with each other or they fought with my grandma or me. All these details were passed on but not in public, it was poured out right into the ears of my grandpa, the ritual was that after finishing the palaharam, I would climb up on the table on which his glass of ‘chaya’ would be resting , I would bring his face towards my lap and then start full on whispering into his ears. Once the ritual was over, everybody was called one by one by grandpa, if any body had scolded me or denied me anything during the day they would be the first one to be summoned before the court and they would be given a big scolding by my grandpa, and I would be satisfied and proudly look at the lesser mortals who were getting thrashed for disturbing her highness.
My grandpa used to love me so much, I remember he was heartbroken when I boarded my train to Delhi at the age of five , later I learned that he had vowed that he would now never keep any of his grandchildren with him anymore as he could not bear even the thought of being separated from them. But as fate would have it I traveled back to my parents, and my grandpa was upset for months together. My mother told me that he had made plans to get me admitted in a school in Kerala itself, he wanted me to stay with him. Though he was very loving at the same time one raised voice from him or just a glare was enough for me to wet my pants and howl my heart out. I was scared of him at the same time I loved him and respected him to the hilt.
Many years later when things had changed a lot, he was in Delhi and was suffering , suffering a lot of pain, there was not a single male soul around to take him to the hospital, me and my Aunt used to take him every week to the hospital , on one such occasion , it was Holi, there was not an auto to be seen on the roads, there were hoards of guys on the roads who seemed to be hooligans, in spite of all these difficulties we went ahead, took him to the doctor , got him checked up, while holding our hands climbing the stairs in the hospital, with tears in his eyes my grandpa said ‘ who says daughters are weak, they are the strongest, they are better than any son”, of course he was referring to his only son ,( rest all are daughters) , who in spite of being in the same town did not ever call upon him, never bothered to even inquire about him. Till this day I cherish those words of his, like valuable pearls, they are stored away in a velvety corner of my heart. My grandpa passed away 16 years ago, while he was in his last moments, everyone was gathered around him , everyone asked me to give him water , I refused, because I believed that my grandpa will never leave me, he will bounce back , and he will be with us. Even after he passed away I was not able to accept it for some time.
When I go through the innumerable photographs of mine which he had taken during those days when I was with him in kerala, the time that was, the time captured on his camera lense, those photographs gives me the feeling of being transcended back in time, it makes me yearn to feel his presence and his endless love once again. I am waiting for such a moment again when I can feel his presence., his love so pure,. But now waiting is not fun anymore.
Friday, August 21, 2009
I face a mammoth task daily, that of commuting from my home to office and coming back to home in the evenings…you may think .. how is it a mammoth task ? Okay let me tell you … this daily commuting form home to work and back.. it inevitably saps all my energy in the morning and leaves me dead tired in the evenings. It is my daily dose of ordeal… the huge traffic jams..thanks to innumerable projects of construction of flyover, grade separators, underpass etc etc.. which has to be completed before Commonwealth games in 2010.. this has given way to unending lines of vehicles.. honking incessantly… uncaring pedestrians ignoring the green light and walking away merrily in midst of blaring horns and angry abuses. Struck at one place in the traffic not moving even an inch for as long as half an hour.
After all this chaos on road, by the time I reach home around 8.30 / 8.45 pm or sometimes even at 9.30 p.m ( I leave office at 6.00 p.m sharp) all thanks to atleast one outdated , ill maintained DTC bus which would have broke down on a busy road right in the middle of the traffic. Now the whole thing takes away precious two and half hours from my daily life.. I am left to reach my mothers house at this hour, pick up my children , who are so happy to see their mother who sees off one of them at 6.20 am in the morning and the other at 7.30 am., they jump and squeal and hug me all over showing their love but me.. what do I give in return.. at the most a feeble smile or an angry yell .. I pick them up hurriedly.. mumble some niceties to my mother and scurry back to my house.
On reaching my house I plonk myself on the sofa.. my school going child brings in her home work, her revision for Unit test, her arts and craft assignment…poor thing tries to do the maximum work before I come in with the help of my mother but still she has something or the other to be supervised by me. My little one climbs on to my lap.. wanting to hug me and get her rightful dose of breast feed from her mother. Another hour goes in this.. then I lift my self up wearily … all the while yelling or yanking at my elder one.. do this.. study this.. write this… and then off to the kitchen.. By Gods grace I have a life partner who helps me out a lot in my household work… also in the kitchen .. inspite of this I am always left irritable… angry and generally unhappy with life due to this daily ordeal.
This Delhi traffic jams are taking the life out of me and many other ladies like me who have to get back home on time, lookafter their children, their studies.. cook food.. prepare things for the next morning etc. I wish I had some magic wand and had some miraculous time management tricks to erase this problem out from my life forever.
I know many of you must have never seen a traffic jam.. never heard of 2 and half hours commuting time from workplace to home when actually the distance can be covered in 45 minutes if the traffic is normal. Well guys.. such things happen with us lesser mortals who have to travel in public transport in the National Capital of India… no such luck as chauffer driven car (as if it would escape this maddening traffice)and two maids waiting for instructions over phone to cater to my orders… as u can see this is the life of a very ordinary woman in an ordinary world…right her in our own capital city of India.
Monday, August 10, 2009
- Available: Always for my family and friends
- Age: Please don’t ask…!!!
- Annoyance: Unpunctual late lateefs
- Animal: Like them in zoos and forests
- Beer: Yup !
- Birthplace: Delhi
- Body Part on opposite sex: Eyes
- Best feeling in the world: Seeing the happiness on my children's face
- Blind or Deaf: Neither
- Best weather: October – November in Delhi neither very hot nor very cold.. pleasant
- Been in Love: Yes
- Been on stage: Yes
- Believe in yourself: Most of the times yes..
- Believe in life on other planets: Yes
- Believe in miracles: Yes.. absolutely
- Believe in Magic: Yes !
- Believe in God: 200%
- Car: Audi.. Skoda.. this is my wishlist
- Candy: Does not have a sweet tooth
- Color: White and black.
- Cried in school: Yes.. many times
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Vanilla
- Country to visit: Switzerland
- Day or Night: Night
- Danced: in parties .. with friends… at home with my kids
- Dance in the rain: YES
- Eggs: NO.. I am allergic to it
- Eyes: Most expressive part of the face
- Everyone has: the right to live , and should let live
- First crush: Got married to him !
- First thoughts waking up: “ So much to do… so little time”
- Food: Chicken Biryani, Parotta irachi, Malayali sadya, chinese food !
- Greatest Fear: Living without my family
- Giver or taker: Both
- Goals: To be a good parent to my children, to be a good daughter to my parents.. and to be a good wife…trying too hard eh??
- Get along with your parent(s): Yes.
- Hair Colour: Dark brown
- Height: 5ft2in
- Happy: with my husband and kids
- How do you want to die: in my sleep!
- Health freak: Trying to be one..
- Hate: when someone breaks my trust or considers me non trust worthy
- Ice Cream: Butterscotch
- Instrument: Tried learing sitar… did not succeed
- Jewelry: rings
- Job: Yes..
- Kids: are my life
- Kickboxing or karate: Karate
- Keep a journal: No.. only journal is my blog
- Love: most important possession
- Laughed so hard you cried: Yes
- Love at first sight: Yes
- Mooned anyone: No
- Marriage: It’s the best thing that happened to me.. it made me mature… learn about life… and learnt to be patient and to be loving..
- Motion sickness: NO
- Number of Siblings: 1
- Number of Piercings: 2
- One wish: That all those who were near and dear to me are back in life once again.with same old trust and happiness
- Place you’d like to live: Delhi… always…
- Perfect Pizza: any pizza
- Pepsi/Coke: Any
- Questionnaires: Most of the time interesting
- Reason to cry: It has to be something really.. serious
- Reality T.V: A BIG NO
- Roll your tongue in a circle: Yes
- Song: Akhiyo ke jharoke se..
- Shoe size: Never bothered to check
- Slept outside: Yes
- Seen a dead body: Yes
- Smoked: Yes
- Shower daily?: Yes
- Sing well:No
- In the shower?: ?????
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries
- Scientists need to invent: How to get uninterrupted electricity in our part of the world
- Time for bed: 11PM
- Thunderstorms: Love them
- TV: Balika badhu
- Touch your tongue to your nose: No
- Unpredictable: Not really
- Vegetable you hate: None
- Vegetable you love: karela, ladys finger, brinjal , well almost all
- Vacation spot: have to visit a few
- Weakness: my children , my family
- When you grow up: Already grown now getting old
- Worst feeling: when I am not able to help my children or my husband or parents or friends when they are not well
- Wanted to be a model: No
- Where do we go when we die : No idea !!
- Worst weather: Summer all the way
-X-Rays: spooky !!!
-Year it is now: 2009
- Yellow: Denotes happiness to me
- Zoo animals: makes me sad
- Zodiac sign: VIRGO
This is my first tag.. and I did it in one go .. yipppiee!!!
Any one who reads this may pick this tag up..
Friday, August 7, 2009
I was always fascinated by the parrots who had made their nest atop of a coconut tree which had a burnt top and was not growing any more and had become a hollow wood, I used to spot a bird daily, this bird had red rimmed eyes, yellowish brown and dark brown wings, it was called as ‘uppan’ in our area. The knocking of the wood pecker on to the tusk of the coconut trees and the multi coloured hens taking short flights and nitpicking the mud for the worms was followed by little chicks hovering around her.
I used to stand a feet away from the pineapple bush and try to peep in and see the fruit which was yet to ripen. When I used to finish doing all these things then it was my turn to sit on the entrance steps to the house or sometimes on the ‘poomukham’ and watch the workers working on the paddy field right in front of the house, the only distractions, a thrilling and exciting one at that for me, was the sight and sound of the zooming long trains which passed on from the railway line which lay across the paddy field. Seeing the train made me sad and happy at the same time because it made me yearn for my parents away in Delhi and happy because I knew one day I would be sitting in one of those and would be going to Delhi for ever.
Right across the railway tracks were two huge trees which jutted out from a mini forest or ‘kaavu’ as we call it in Kerala, the shape of these trees resembled that of two monkeys who were staring at our house from across the railway line. By the time my roaming around and day dreaming was over , my grandma used to call me in to have the afternoon snack with a glass of milky chai. The late evenings and nights also that I spent at that beautiful place are still afresh in my memory, the evening time had my grandma or one of my aunts lighting the evening lamp in the pooja room and keeping it on the ‘poomukham’ (front elevated verandah) and all of us used to sit together and do the ‘namam choll’ (prayers).
After the namam it was time to study, I used to study in an ‘aashan pallikkudam’ (small school manned by one master) where the aashan or the master made us write our Malayalam alphabets on the mud with our forefinger, it has so much effect on the brain ,I tell u, till now those alphabets and the feel of it on the mud are etched in my brain, no amount of writing on the slate or a note book or typing on a computer could ever ever take over that feeling. So, as I said it was study time, and me and my aunts, who were also students at that time, used to plonk ourselves on to the poomukham with a lantern in the middle, this was so because our house had no electricity at that time. When I look back now it seems like a magical experience, the light emanating from the lantern, and the sound of frogs croaking away on the paddy fields, the chirping of cricket among the bushes. We never heard the sound of any vehicle ever, except for the bell of a cycle. The darkness was pitch dark with tiny light from the glow worms flying along in the distant, amidst the jasmine tree or the well which stood by the banana tree.
Just writing down the above lines were total bliss for me, I was transcended to the past, to the place where my heart still belongs to, to those loved ones who were my solace and my strength and were the first familiar faces of love to me.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Rising tides washed away the sands,
Stretching out on the cold sea shore
Pale moonlight danced on silky hairstrands
Weaving life and dreams galore
A sprinkling of stars on the vast skies,
Ushered the cool wind carrying wet drops
Falling on to the embrace on the horizon,
Of the sky , the sea and the orange sun
Clouds cluttered and gathered might,
slithering on to the vast skies
brimming with winds and the rains
Then lifted the heart ,on to a shimmering , loving , long night
Monday, July 20, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I have sort of become obsessed of being a blogger… while going back home from office in the chartered bus when I see so many people girls.. sitting seriously or chatting away I sometimes wonder.. how many of them might be blogging…;) ??? Does the blogger has to have a particular look, I don’t think so.. from a simpleton to a modern one any body can blog… Orkut., facebook, twitter, I feel all this had been been overexposed but blogging is so different.. it seems as if we are in the midst of a set of people whom we might have never met, but who seems to have identical thoughts, identical experiences and above all their empathising with your feelings gives a totally different meaning to communication… so blogging is a boon, to be able to write and feel and then to find people acknowledging you and your feelings… I would forever remain a blogger… …at least that’s what I feel now
Courtesy : Inspiration – Deeps blog on ‘How do you do it ?’
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I missed you all the time when I spent years without having a single soul in the name of friend, I was going through a very bad phase in life and needed to blurt out everything so badly, so many time my hands reached for the inland letter which we used to exchange over 5 years when I was pursuing my graduation, then Diploma and went on to work and meanwhile you were slogging hard to complete your MBBS course and finally got the title of ‘Dr. ‘ prefixed to your name.
I missed you whenever I saw two girls giggling away on a bus, on the street or just roaming around the market… I missed all our nights together which we used to spend mostly at your place when u used to visit Delhi in between your MBBS , how we used to keep awake all night whispering , laughing and generally gossiping about friends, relatives, neighbours etc. I feel so sad, and a pain goes through my heart when I feel what I have lost just because of a misunderstanding, which I thought would never ever occur between you and me… but it happened…
I had the hope of nurturing our friendship back to what it was when you finally turned up on my marriage, though I had thought you would not, but your displeasure and disinterest was obvious and apparent by the way you had dressed in gray , drab clothing you had worn to my marriage and whereas we had always planned to look the best on each other’s marriage .. you hardly smiled but I as usual yapped away to you.. you did not respond… and that was the last day we met.
Its been 10 years since my marriage, after two kids and lots of hardships in life, lots of maturity gained in the process but I lost the very very important thing in my life and that is my friendship to you. Till today I have kept a tab on you knowingly or unknowingly.. I blessed you in my heart when I heard about your marriage to the same guy about whom you and I have discussed day in and day out … I was so emotional when I came to know you were blessed with a daughter… many times I thought of calling you up.. writing to you. But then I had no contact.. even your mother stopped calling up my mother…t he after effect of our broken friendship…
Dearest friend wherever you are I wish you all the very best in life .. today .. tomorrow and always……..
Now.. now let me tell you why I chickened out, I felt I was not even half as good as anybody whom I have read and enjoyed, but then I realize that blogging is not about being perfect or being good with words, but its all about pouring yourself as you are on to the virtual world right from your heart, right from your soul, no pretence, no put on . And I think these are exactly the reason for those heavy traffic on all these blogs and the kind of response they generate.
Unpretentious blogging is like pouring your heart out to your best friend… So from being a chicken I have decided to be back to myself and start blogging with renewed vigour and valour.
Hats off to all bloggers… all you guys are JUST GREAT.. thanks for the inspiration !!!!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Another story which caught my attention was the news of a lady Doctor in a reputed hospital in Delhi, she checked into a decent hotel in North Delhi along with her four year old twin daughters, she later bought some medicines, called up her husband to inform that she is in this hotel and going to kill herself and her daughters, she then injected some poison to both her daughters and then on herself, her daughters died and she is now battling for life at a hospital in Delhi.. by the time her husband , himself a doctor, reached the hospital .. they had lost their daughters…. I know you must have heard this kind of news many time but I was aghast after reading this because this involved a lady Doctor, who belonged to family of Doctors, her husband also belonged to a family of Doctors which meant they were well educated, upper class people who it seems had everything going for them in life. I do not know the reason she did it, if she survives would she be able to survive actually? wont the innocent faces of her daughters’ haunt her for life?? Even if the issue was a grave one for which she took this extreme step, why she did not talk to anybody and try and solve it before taking the life of two little children? Why did she not confess even to her parents or husband or some friend or some helpline??.. I do not know the reason but it could be an extra marital affair of her husband, her own, or is it that someone pestered her for having only daughters .. this blame game is prevalent in even the highest upper class families… I do not know… but I can’t bring my self to work peacefully , to eat my breakfast properly.. I just hope she does not survive.. may be that’s a cruel thought from me but as a mother I feel she would die a thousand deaths daily if she survives.. because whatever the reasons for which she took the life of her children would seem too ordinary for the extraordinary pain which she would have to endure every day when she would have to live without her children around!!! GOD Bless the departed soul of her children…..and give her the strength to bear the loss……
...and May God rehabilitate mankind soon…very .. very soon…
Sometime ago a splash of red on the pristine white
turned the Cool blue breeze into a wild storm
Turmoils on the warm brown hearth gave way to sprouting purple wings to paradise
Unyielding emotions ran riot yearning to sail towards the unknown
A flashing glimpse of strangeness, yet so familiar,
Promised to sweep away towards an enchanting island
Colours of vibrant hue speckled with exotic scents
gave way to a moment of sinful ecstasy
a gushing wave of guilt washed off the moment freezed on the horizon
and brought back to the pristine white ,
to the warm embrace of yore, to today and forever till eternity…
right from my heart
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Drops of perspiration adorned her brow
She kept running fast behind the rainbow
Her steps faltered and sight blinded
By the multitude of colours that shimmered
She stretched out her hands to touch it
But it disappeared leaving behind nothing but mist
She stood there looking at the sky
And at the giant banyan tree with its branch rising high
Far away she heard the song of some unknown bird
Soulfully beckoning a mate and longing to be cared
She stood mesmerized then turned around
And walked, back to her home, her child, sleeping sound
She looked at her and again found the rainbow
This time on her little daughters serene white brow
right from my heart ..
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Now I have started doubting my self, i`s it `me? Am I so bad? my tongue so sharp and so insensitive that I have hurt people and their sentiments beyond any repair because I chose to say the truth as it is and did not resort to any nice words. Some very close relations have started playing hide and seek (because I am friendly with someone who is not in the good books of someone else who is close to her ) but I pursue her relentlessly because I feel that she has been a source of strength to me always, sometimes financial, sometimes moral but always a strength, and would always respect her.
I want to cutt (extra 't' intentional) off my razor sharp tongue, I want to become calm and serene and want to learn 'how not to react' , 'how not to speak my mind', 'how to put on'. I want to learn meditation, or may be go in for 'Art of living', anything which would make me calmer and nicer. I am caught in a volcanoe of self doubt, I find my self all black , some one who has hurt everybody at one point or the other. Or am I someone who is too dominant... I do not know.. but I am hurt and I am full of low self esteem... I try hard to keep my opinions to my self so that it doesn't hit someone hard on his or her face. Am I so bad, so full of venom.. what is it...???
Am I on the verge of some nervous breakdown, or is it that I am going through some hormonal imbalance, I do not know, but how far and how many more to go???? I think its only this blog, my vent page, my soulspeaking space that is offering me some comfort.
I am mesmerised by people who speak ever so softly, who is always so nice and friendly and never has an opinion which is just the opposite of their friend/ relative/colleague's etc. They are so prim and proper and so popular... am I sounding like a teenager, if yes, then that is exactly the way I am feeling now, confused.. hurt .. ignored... scoffed at!!!, misunderstood......
Only one feeling is looming large on my head now and it is 'SELF DOUBT'??????
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I saw it Sitting by the train window,
Bearing the blistering heat
Of a sleepy ,dusty May afternoon
It loomed large on the dry and barren lands, stretching out
With little brown huts here and there.
Naked little children playing around the dilapidated handpump,
Their mothers sitting around huddled in groups,
Some gossiping, some bickering
It hovered around Puddles of water collected along some thorny trees
Where Stray dogs rolled themselves in it and curled nearby,
For wiling away the afternoon, sleeping.
Some miles away it followed a bullock cart ,which dragged itself farther
Towards the town, on the other side of the parched river.
As night descended and hot winds blew again
Loneliness sat, wearily, on a wooden bench,
under a cracked, dim tubelight
In a dark and lonely railway station.
Right from my heart
Monday, June 15, 2009
In order to bring the sugar level in the blood under control I was put on a diet of methi seed subji, methi leaf subji, karela and 2 sookhi roti each in the morning, lunch and dinner. The result was that the net weight gain during this pregnancy was 5 kgs !!!. I was not supposed to take any medicine as it could harm my baby so I was advised by the Doctor to take insulin injections everyday. Initially I went to the hospital thrice a day as I had to take the medicine before every meal, then I became an expert in injecting myself with the correct dosage of insulin. !! I was supposed to go for a blood test every alternate day, I used to wait for the results with nervousness and frustration because every report showed that I still had a long way to go before getting the sugar level under control.
As if all of this was not enough, I had another major scare of my life when my doctor advised me to go through the level 2 ultrasound, as a particular component of my blood was high in percentage which could result in giving birth to an abnormal baby , the possibility was 1 in 70. I went through hell, I did not know where to go , what to do, I was at my irritating best, I did not even talk to my husband or mother ,and refused to go for any test with anybody and went alone for all the tests defying everybody. One of my cousins who is very close to me asked me to turn to God, I did , some unknown force inspired me to go for a second opinion with the best Gynecologist in Delhi, she checked upon everything and told me to go for the test once again, she tried to give me comfort by saying that in all possibility it seems to be a wrong blood test report. I went in for the blood test the second time. I wanted to die as going through all this was really painful, but I was concerned about my elder child so I decided to live.
Before the result of the blood test came I had to go through the level 2 ultrasound. Everything went on well, the Doctor who was doing the ultrasound told me that all the parameters showed that ‘ in all probability’ my child was absolutely normal. Once the reports came in I went to meet the Head Doctor, he talked to me, I asked his opinion , he said that since the reports are normal everything should be okay, however, the final decision is on me, I was devastated when he said’ I hope you are lucky, and not unlucky like me, my child is one of them’, when I went out of the clinic I was totally shaken , to be honest, this phase was the toughest in my life though there were instances which were much grim, but, that day I realized how difficult it is to be a mother. I was supposed to take the decision whether to carry on with this pregnancy in the 7th month, if I decided against it I was supposed to go through induced labor which shall take care of the matter. But I got strength from my God, infact Goddess, I totally and absolutely believe in her all the more after the incident, because it was no less than a miracle when the 2nd blood test at a different, renowned lab showed my blood report with no negative blood components at all!!!
On the day I went in for my C-section delivery, on the OT table my sugar level shot up to 263, even though I was under anesthesia, I could hear the commotion in the OT, the doctors panicking, speaking to each other , taking advise, and finally when I heard my child cry, I slipped into a heavy dreamless stupor.
I had to reiterate all these details about my second pregnancy here for a reason, and that reason is when my daughter was born, as usual there was stream of visitors who rather than congratulating me , sympathized with me that I had again got a daughter, that there is a next time and ‘koi baat nahi’, ‘ agli baar bhagwan ladka zaroor dega’, some people were ready with statistics that most of the time the third child after 2 girls is a boy. The last straw in the hat was when my Doctor who refused to do a family planning operation on me cited one more reason other than my new born’s ill health (she was slightly blue and was kept in the nursery for two days) that ‘ek baar aur try kar sakte ho’.
I wanted to scream and let everyone know what I had to go through to bring this child on my lap, what this child meant to me, I wanted to push everyone out of my room who spoke about not having a ‘beta’. But then I realized that only a mother can understand the trauma of going through such painful moments during pregnancy, the trauma of the thought of not being able to control the health , mental and physical , of the child who is growing in her womb and only a mother will do it without ever giving a thought to the sex of the child.
only girls can be mothers and only mothers can be so strong. I just pray to God to make my girls and every girl so strong and self dependent that the same set of people should turn back and say one day that ‘daughters are the best’.
When I saw my frail , little baby for the first time , two days after the delivery, , I could not control my tears, it was the tears of joy … I … just hope my girls will have a great and blessed life ahead….
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
It was exactly around a year back that I had created this blog , to vent out my post maternity blues, I had just joined back office and was looking out for a way to give vent to my brimming emotions. However, I could not pursue it due to work, lack of time etc. etc.
Today I am going to actually start blogging with full passion and devotion, I am using these words becaus I had always wanted to write, to read and to write again and feel wonderful about writing and like a writer (I do not claim to be one) has always yearned for the opinion of others. But now I am not doing it out of these feelings , in blogs I have found a platform to give shape to my innermost feelings, to be honest and to be pure and be true to your self, I must mention Deepti 's blog which I read in one go and through her I could find the most memorable teacher of my life Mrs. Chandrika, Deepti I am indebted to you, coz its your blog which carried me over to hers and as usual she has done wonders to my sagging morale.
Today on the 8th day of June 2009 I would like to thank loud and clear and with all my sincerity and sensitivity my most beloved teacher for having once again inspired my by her sheer words. I remember, way back that is around 18 years back she was the one who used to encourage me to take up Journalism, she is the only one who saw some spark in me which everybody else either did not see or ignored. She has today again by way of reply to my comments on her blog has once again urged me to write and has told me that ' you will feel wonderful' and I am sure I will and I am already feeling so. Thank you teacher once again....from the bottom of my heart.
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