Thursday, June 25, 2009
Drops of perspiration adorned her brow
She kept running fast behind the rainbow
Her steps faltered and sight blinded
By the multitude of colours that shimmered
She stretched out her hands to touch it
But it disappeared leaving behind nothing but mist
She stood there looking at the sky
And at the giant banyan tree with its branch rising high
Far away she heard the song of some unknown bird
Soulfully beckoning a mate and longing to be cared
She stood mesmerized then turned around
And walked, back to her home, her child, sleeping sound
She looked at her and again found the rainbow
This time on her little daughters serene white brow
right from my heart ..
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Now I have started doubting my self, i`s it `me? Am I so bad? my tongue so sharp and so insensitive that I have hurt people and their sentiments beyond any repair because I chose to say the truth as it is and did not resort to any nice words. Some very close relations have started playing hide and seek (because I am friendly with someone who is not in the good books of someone else who is close to her ) but I pursue her relentlessly because I feel that she has been a source of strength to me always, sometimes financial, sometimes moral but always a strength, and would always respect her.
I want to cutt (extra 't' intentional) off my razor sharp tongue, I want to become calm and serene and want to learn 'how not to react' , 'how not to speak my mind', 'how to put on'. I want to learn meditation, or may be go in for 'Art of living', anything which would make me calmer and nicer. I am caught in a volcanoe of self doubt, I find my self all black , some one who has hurt everybody at one point or the other. Or am I someone who is too dominant... I do not know.. but I am hurt and I am full of low self esteem... I try hard to keep my opinions to my self so that it doesn't hit someone hard on his or her face. Am I so bad, so full of venom.. what is it...???
Am I on the verge of some nervous breakdown, or is it that I am going through some hormonal imbalance, I do not know, but how far and how many more to go???? I think its only this blog, my vent page, my soulspeaking space that is offering me some comfort.
I am mesmerised by people who speak ever so softly, who is always so nice and friendly and never has an opinion which is just the opposite of their friend/ relative/colleague's etc. They are so prim and proper and so popular... am I sounding like a teenager, if yes, then that is exactly the way I am feeling now, confused.. hurt .. ignored... scoffed at!!!, misunderstood......
Only one feeling is looming large on my head now and it is 'SELF DOUBT'??????
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I saw it Sitting by the train window,
Bearing the blistering heat
Of a sleepy ,dusty May afternoon
It loomed large on the dry and barren lands, stretching out
With little brown huts here and there.
Naked little children playing around the dilapidated handpump,
Their mothers sitting around huddled in groups,
Some gossiping, some bickering
It hovered around Puddles of water collected along some thorny trees
Where Stray dogs rolled themselves in it and curled nearby,
For wiling away the afternoon, sleeping.
Some miles away it followed a bullock cart ,which dragged itself farther
Towards the town, on the other side of the parched river.
As night descended and hot winds blew again
Loneliness sat, wearily, on a wooden bench,
under a cracked, dim tubelight
In a dark and lonely railway station.
Right from my heart
Monday, June 15, 2009
In order to bring the sugar level in the blood under control I was put on a diet of methi seed subji, methi leaf subji, karela and 2 sookhi roti each in the morning, lunch and dinner. The result was that the net weight gain during this pregnancy was 5 kgs !!!. I was not supposed to take any medicine as it could harm my baby so I was advised by the Doctor to take insulin injections everyday. Initially I went to the hospital thrice a day as I had to take the medicine before every meal, then I became an expert in injecting myself with the correct dosage of insulin. !! I was supposed to go for a blood test every alternate day, I used to wait for the results with nervousness and frustration because every report showed that I still had a long way to go before getting the sugar level under control.
As if all of this was not enough, I had another major scare of my life when my doctor advised me to go through the level 2 ultrasound, as a particular component of my blood was high in percentage which could result in giving birth to an abnormal baby , the possibility was 1 in 70. I went through hell, I did not know where to go , what to do, I was at my irritating best, I did not even talk to my husband or mother ,and refused to go for any test with anybody and went alone for all the tests defying everybody. One of my cousins who is very close to me asked me to turn to God, I did , some unknown force inspired me to go for a second opinion with the best Gynecologist in Delhi, she checked upon everything and told me to go for the test once again, she tried to give me comfort by saying that in all possibility it seems to be a wrong blood test report. I went in for the blood test the second time. I wanted to die as going through all this was really painful, but I was concerned about my elder child so I decided to live.
Before the result of the blood test came I had to go through the level 2 ultrasound. Everything went on well, the Doctor who was doing the ultrasound told me that all the parameters showed that ‘ in all probability’ my child was absolutely normal. Once the reports came in I went to meet the Head Doctor, he talked to me, I asked his opinion , he said that since the reports are normal everything should be okay, however, the final decision is on me, I was devastated when he said’ I hope you are lucky, and not unlucky like me, my child is one of them’, when I went out of the clinic I was totally shaken , to be honest, this phase was the toughest in my life though there were instances which were much grim, but, that day I realized how difficult it is to be a mother. I was supposed to take the decision whether to carry on with this pregnancy in the 7th month, if I decided against it I was supposed to go through induced labor which shall take care of the matter. But I got strength from my God, infact Goddess, I totally and absolutely believe in her all the more after the incident, because it was no less than a miracle when the 2nd blood test at a different, renowned lab showed my blood report with no negative blood components at all!!!
On the day I went in for my C-section delivery, on the OT table my sugar level shot up to 263, even though I was under anesthesia, I could hear the commotion in the OT, the doctors panicking, speaking to each other , taking advise, and finally when I heard my child cry, I slipped into a heavy dreamless stupor.
I had to reiterate all these details about my second pregnancy here for a reason, and that reason is when my daughter was born, as usual there was stream of visitors who rather than congratulating me , sympathized with me that I had again got a daughter, that there is a next time and ‘koi baat nahi’, ‘ agli baar bhagwan ladka zaroor dega’, some people were ready with statistics that most of the time the third child after 2 girls is a boy. The last straw in the hat was when my Doctor who refused to do a family planning operation on me cited one more reason other than my new born’s ill health (she was slightly blue and was kept in the nursery for two days) that ‘ek baar aur try kar sakte ho’.
I wanted to scream and let everyone know what I had to go through to bring this child on my lap, what this child meant to me, I wanted to push everyone out of my room who spoke about not having a ‘beta’. But then I realized that only a mother can understand the trauma of going through such painful moments during pregnancy, the trauma of the thought of not being able to control the health , mental and physical , of the child who is growing in her womb and only a mother will do it without ever giving a thought to the sex of the child.
only girls can be mothers and only mothers can be so strong. I just pray to God to make my girls and every girl so strong and self dependent that the same set of people should turn back and say one day that ‘daughters are the best’.
When I saw my frail , little baby for the first time , two days after the delivery, , I could not control my tears, it was the tears of joy … I … just hope my girls will have a great and blessed life ahead….
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
It was exactly around a year back that I had created this blog , to vent out my post maternity blues, I had just joined back office and was looking out for a way to give vent to my brimming emotions. However, I could not pursue it due to work, lack of time etc. etc.
Today I am going to actually start blogging with full passion and devotion, I am using these words becaus I had always wanted to write, to read and to write again and feel wonderful about writing and like a writer (I do not claim to be one) has always yearned for the opinion of others. But now I am not doing it out of these feelings , in blogs I have found a platform to give shape to my innermost feelings, to be honest and to be pure and be true to your self, I must mention Deepti 's blog which I read in one go and through her I could find the most memorable teacher of my life Mrs. Chandrika, Deepti I am indebted to you, coz its your blog which carried me over to hers and as usual she has done wonders to my sagging morale.
Today on the 8th day of June 2009 I would like to thank loud and clear and with all my sincerity and sensitivity my most beloved teacher for having once again inspired my by her sheer words. I remember, way back that is around 18 years back she was the one who used to encourage me to take up Journalism, she is the only one who saw some spark in me which everybody else either did not see or ignored. She has today again by way of reply to my comments on her blog has once again urged me to write and has told me that ' you will feel wonderful' and I am sure I will and I am already feeling so. Thank you teacher once again....from the bottom of my heart.
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