Tuesday, June 23, 2009

SELF DOUBT

It's been weighing heavily on my mind for the past year and half. Now I am trying to attribute it to reasons all and sundry, latest one is 'bad feng shui' or better may be 'bad vaastu' of my house. I have realised now that any relation, however strong and sturdy and close knit, is guarnteed to go haywire.

Now I have started doubting my self, i`s it `me? Am I so bad? my tongue so sharp and so insensitive that I have hurt people and their sentiments beyond any repair because I chose to say the truth as it is and did not resort to any nice words. Some very close relations have started playing hide and seek (because I am friendly with someone who is not in the good books of someone else who is close to her ) but I pursue her relentlessly because I feel that she has been a source of strength to me always, sometimes financial, sometimes moral but always a strength, and would always respect her.

I want to cutt (extra 't' intentional) off my razor sharp tongue, I want to become calm and serene and want to learn 'how not to react' , 'how not to speak my mind', 'how to put on'. I want to learn meditation, or may be go in for 'Art of living', anything which would make me calmer and nicer. I am caught in a volcanoe of self doubt, I find my self all black , some one who has hurt everybody at one point or the other. Or am I someone who is too dominant... I do not know.. but I am hurt and I am full of low self esteem... I try hard to keep my opinions to my self so that it doesn't hit someone hard on his or her face. Am I so bad, so full of venom.. what is it...???

Am I on the verge of some nervous breakdown, or is it that I am going through some hormonal imbalance, I do not know, but how far and how many more to go???? I think its only this blog, my vent page, my soulspeaking space that is offering me some comfort.

I am mesmerised by people who speak ever so softly, who is always so nice and friendly and never has an opinion which is just the opposite of their friend/ relative/colleague's etc. They are so prim and proper and so popular... am I sounding like a teenager, if yes, then that is exactly the way I am feeling now, confused.. hurt .. ignored... scoffed at!!!, misunderstood......

Only one feeling is looming large on my head now and it is 'SELF DOUBT'??????

2 comments:

  1. you wrote that? you are sure? you were not reading my mind and transcribing it?
    seemed very much like that...
    but can you live with yourself, if you had no opinion and no stand to take?
    this post is an echo of what i feel all the time.

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  2. ay ay rekha! stop being so cruelly introspective.at times we all tend to displease some one or the other....and often un intentionally. but then... being sooo prim and proper as u think, has no charm in life dear. once again i am seeing that rekha of 18 yrs back, dont let ur self esteem dwindle down. have faith in urself and am sure u cant hurt any one intentionally. eve if there are a few who understand u and accept u as u are, that itself is the reason to smile. and rekha, let that charming smile of urs not disappear

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