Thursday, December 30, 2010

Happy New Year !!

Heres wishing all my blogger friends a very very happy, prosperous and blessed New Year !!

Last year I had made many resolutions, and what usually happens to New year resolutions happened to mine also. Could not put leash on my tongue, could not keep the lid of patience on for too long and goofed up big time on many things !! Well that is life, and it teaches us many lessons some way or the other. So I have decided not to make any resolutions for the coming year and to flow with the current.. just hoping that the current will be a positive one , a smooth one and shall take me and my loved ones to the right shore !!

Warm regards and best wishes once again!! 2011 here we come!!!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Far away....

The whole being shivered, glowed ,
Exploded into a multitude of colourful hues,
it became invisible in a matter of seconds
Leaving behind a golden sand
That speckled on to the heart
And then settled on some corners
Happy and then weeping, weighed down by emotions
Away from the world , away from life
Away , far far away…
Not to come back , not to let the magic on
And just life be, the way it was….

Sunday, November 21, 2010

realisation

The screaming of my mother till echoes in my head !! The rain was pouring down, we were scrambling for cover from our one roomed quarter to the lofty bungalow , my little sister, the newborn baby was in my mothers arms, my arm was full of a load of baby clothes , while running for cover some clothes accidentally fell to the nearby drainage and went floating away .. the scream was for that.. I was only 8 and was hurt.. was not mature enough to understand the value of those clothes that the drain had carried away with it. The clothes were imported soft muslin clothes for the baby, of course they were hands me downs, but were so much required for the little new born. All that remained etched in my memory was the angry scream that was directed at me.. it lived inside me for quite sometime, it made me feel guilty then angry and then lonely.

I always longed for my mother to hold me tight, to love me and pamper me, but she never did.. of course she had her own reasons , very strong one at that . but at the same time I saw her cuddling my sister, loving her, saying sweet nothings to her it felt bad…very very bad..I could not understand at that time that it was but natural to cuddle a little baby and pamper it.. after all I was 8 years older and was old enough to understand, but unfortunately I never did.. I held the grudge in my mind.. I considered myself unfortunate .. I even complained to my teachers that my mother is always busy with the little baby..she does not love me.

I am sure this feeling remained with me throughout, even when I got married, even when I became a mother..but it dawned upon me, the truth of it, the essence of it and the crux of it when my second child was born, my second baby is 6 years younger to my elder one, this baby made me realize that no mother does it deliberately. Fortunately I do not have the kind of problems to face which my mother had..but still I notice that pampering the younger one comes easy to me, it is not that I do not love my elder one, I love her more than any body, but from her I have certain expectations, that she should behave in a certain way, that she should understand and like wise, I don’t know if this expectations stems just from the fact that she is the older one, I can’t see any other reason.

But the younger one, I hold her instantly, cuddle her, pamper her , I snap less at her and even if she does something naughty the scolding goes to the elder one. I hate it , absolutely so when I do this, because I know exactly what is going on in my elder child’s heart, things like this would get etched in her mind also just like some are etched in my memory.. I try hard not to do it but it happens, I try hard to cuddle her but then she does something which makes me snap at her or scold her, but every time I do it I cringe inside, every word I say reflects my own sorrow, every time I ask her to study instead of sitting and talking to me I know I am not right.. I do not want my daughter to have the same heart burn which I suffered all those years. Till I my self became a mother the second time around.

I feel guilty now for all the ill feelings I had for my mother all those years.. it is indeed an exemplary thing that inspite of such huge problems in life she still managed to love us, show us her love, and care for us. I feel belittled that me being more educated, more aware, did not realize this earlier in life, and kept feeling uneasy the whole life rather than feeling good and blessed about it.

Somehow this whole thing proves that child is the father of man.. truly and amazingly yes.. my children taught me the truth which eluded me all these years.. and I am constantly striving not to make any such memories for my first born which will make her suffer the way I did, I constantly and consciously try everyday to make her feel loved and wanted.. forever..

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Nothing

When dry brown leaves rustled up during the wind, I looked back just thinking, just hoping to find a friend behind me. There was no one and nothing apart from the winds rustling up the leaves and birds chirping on the trees, the muddy path astrewn with small yellow and pink flowers and wild berries red and ripe. Such scenic beauty should have made me serene and happy with myself, drinking in the beautiful surroundings and lapping up natures abundant greenery. But all that I could think of was how lonely I was, it is true that I love solitude, but it is not what I crave for always, it is only one fondness of mine, not an obsession, but it starts to eat me up, corroding me from the insides of my heart, when I long to just chat , to be just heard, not seeking any advise, not asking for any favour, not looking for sympathy, only looking for sheer , pure understanding. It is said that friends , real friends, best of friends can go with out speaking to each other for years and connect back instantly as if they met only yesterday. I must admit , I have no such friends, I thought I had, but actually no, and all my friends are wonderful, they are very good, but it is me I am sure who does not win such warmth from my friends,it is my dry nature, or too much of expectations or may be something unknown to me, which makes me unworthy of such intense and deep friendships. Where someone believes you completely, criticizes you honestly, trusts you blindly, someone who listens to you without being judgmental, where you do not need to prove yourself, you can cry till you laugh, and laugh till you cry with such a friend. I envy those who have such friends, I know I sound like a 13 year old, confused and disappointed, but I actually feel this way now and so much so that I am writing it down to vent out my feelings . I am not looking for answers, they are all within me, I am looking to leave this aside and carry on.. with life.. which is sometimes unfair.. sometimes mean and sometimes keeps tempting.. then teasing.. then just disappears round the corner. Yes.. the brown leaves and the wind and the nature , the cold wind everything is evaporating into thin air.. leaving me out here .. to find my own answers ..to introspect and to just let go… Ye. I am not making sense.. but then sometimes life and feelings are such that it does not make sense.. sometimes.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Stage fright

I was in 9th standard and had already learned how to be a part of the ‘behind the scene’ activities, I was always involved in the school activities but not for the ones which would give me those ‘round of applause’ or the oohs and aahs… but I was always sitting in a corner drawing or painting a background scene or a decorative piece to adorn the ‘farewell stage’ or may be writing out the ‘titles’ for the Ms. Beautiful or Mr. All rounder. By now you must have guessed that I suffered from the biggest fear of any shy child in a school and that is the ‘stage fright’…so ok where was I ,… yeah I was in the 9th standard and as usual I was happy participating in the ‘Essay writing ‘ competition and the ‘painting competition’ and was comfortably chatting away with my class mates when our very own ‘Deeps ( Perceptions)’ mother, my dearest and most beloved teacher, Mrs. Kumar, caught me by the ear (lovingly) and asked me to participate in the Malayalam poetry recitation competition.. my God.. I could not refuse her.. she was my anchor.. she knew me inside out.. knew my strengths and weaknesses.. and she wanted me to do it..

But only I knew one thing that how scared I was to get to that place called the ‘stage’.. I was all respect and awe and that unknown teenage feeling for all those who could stand straight on the stage, face the sea of faces (some of them mocking you, laughing at you and some giving you the royal ignore ) still you stand your ground and deliver the speech. Well.. the gist is that I had to say yes to my teacher and when the D Day came.. first on stage was the hero of the school.. who was sure to win every competition he participated in. he spoke with such ease and élan that you would think he was born to rule the stage.. then came the best performer of our class .. she was so good in everything.. and yes even for this competition she was going to be very good.. then another person who was also equally good.. to my shock I discovered that there were only 4 participants.. and then I comforted myself that I might get the 4th prize after all.

The first 2 participants concluded their recitations with such grace that they got applause with aplomb…hmmm.. then came my turn and I felt as if I had legs made of heavyweight rubber.. and I had no control over them.. I was sweating profusely… some how I dragged myself on to the stage.. I saw a sea of blue and grey uniforms.. faces.. so many.. I thought I would drown in that ocean.. I stood there numb… my mouth parched and dry.. my tongue felt like a piece of wood inside my mouth.. capable of nothing.. leave aside this ‘recitation’.. Then after what seemed like centuries standing there facing a sea of faces.. I forced my self to recite.. and all I could hear was a croak …a mumle..jumble ..nothing thereafter.. I could hear the laughter.. the jeers.. could see some weary faces.. I came back from the stage.. I could hear a solitary clap somewhere.. maybe my best friend.. I thought!!.. well I could not face my teacher.. she had so much expectations from me..but she was also someone who understood. And then the prizes were announced.. guess what.. obviously.. there was no 4th prize… !!!

This trend continued throughout school, then college, then I joined a PSU worked their for more than 7 years, in between I had to speak in meetings (mostly sitting at the allotted space and reading out data) and that too amongst our own team who were buddies , all of them.. of course except the Big boss.. and yes.. I also spoke aggressively and vehemently during the con.. calls  but on ‘a stage’.. never..ever until one day I was transferred to the region from the Corporate and my Boss changed.. I had someone very young and who was like a friend .. and then I went with him for Campus recruitment and while we entered the auditorium.. it had close to 300 odd people (students and faculty) sitting as audience ..I was nervous even to sit on the dais but then I thought.. ‘What the heck .. lemme enjoy my self while my boss makes the presentation.” But guys the enjoyment was short lived.. it felt as if I heard my name being announced.. yess… yess it was my name.. alright.. and it was my boss who was calling out my name.. he said so now… Ms. So and So will start with the ppt.. and I felt I was going to have a stroke.. or may be the earth will just crack and swallow me and never let me go. Rest everything happened in a haze, I remember standing up and looking at my boss as if I would eat him up and then as if I was begging for my life from him (this is the description which he gave later)…Yes.. I gave the ppt. I read it out.. I stopped.. I missed out on lines.. I stammered a bit.. but I carried it through.. 25 slides in all… I could not believe it.. and yes people applauded too.. loudly….(may be because I was there to do the Campus placements… whatever… but they applauded… for me)

And guys since then there has been no looking back.. I had gone for numerous Campuses after that.. conducted many Induction programmes.. and such like and all thanks to one person who pushed me into the water and left me at that.. I had no other way but to fight for life and swim to the shore.

I keep on encouraging my daughter to participate in everything at school, not just the ‘behind the scenes’ but also in those events where she has to be on stage and face an audience.. Whether she wins a prize is immaterial.. because this is the ground where she gets trained to stand her ground to face the sea of faces.. or other wise the applause will elude till the time may be luck gives you a chance meeting with such wonderful people..

what about you.. do you suffer from stage fright.. did you ever have stage fright .. or are you the charmer on the stage with ease and élan???

Thursday, September 16, 2010

just once again

Was it you who brought along the change,
to Grow overnight ,clutching on to a dream,
Vast reams of mute emotions spread around,
Nothing was there to lean on to
Two hearts intertwined
one bled and the other silent

The cold steel cut through
Making a scar for life
The thought of you wells up in eyes,
could only feel you
Never knew you but when you left
heart shattered and changed forever

Was it you who paved way for the change
To cringe at the thought of it now
To feel guilty all life
To yearn for you still and feel pain

the soul walks back into time
Shakes up the whole being
Stares blankly at the tears
Showing ,there are precious little things
Strewn around the sands of time
which can not be brought back
From past, from guilt and from life ever

Yes it is you who made me change
I promise I will take you
May be not in this life
I’d take a next life just for you ,
And Endure and wait once again,
Shall Love and cherish with warmth,
For you to come back
once again.. just once again

Monday, June 28, 2010

Amme Narayana

In the darkness of the dawn
The diety stood beautiful
Tears rolled down on to old rough cheeks
Some Shiney kohl eyes were red rimmed

The strength of prayer
The majestic aura of her idol
Filled energy onto the drained mind
Sowing seeds of hope
On to tired barren hearts

The aroma of jasmine
the fragrance of camphor and incense
The soft soothing rays of rising sun
The devotees reveled in the divinity,
the serenity and the purity
of her shimmering face and divine eyes
Its pretty odd !How time turns itself upside down, head over heels making one meet the same angst which one dusted off ones soul long back. But then this is why life is life and time is mysterious, it can make you laugh, cry, yearn , love and hate from the core.

While traveling through lanes of time there have been times like this when I wanted to stretch out far ahead and reach out for those years , may be , stored somewhere in the pages of future which will spill out feathers of white peace and flowers of yellow happiness all around.
Rushing out and running through this time phase I just want to erase out the unsoulful sands below my feet and find a way out from this existence, if I look harder I would find a small window opening on to the blank horizon .. may be !!!

Standing amidst a lush green paddy field under a bright blue sky I wish I could freeze in time forever.. forever….

Monday, March 8, 2010

Women

Every single day, I adorn different hats, I am a busy mother early in the morning, I am bursting out of time when I board my office vehicle, till late into the evening I am the busy professional, but I steal moments to hover on my darling kids and my parents. I also borrow some precious moments to find out whether my better half has eaten , has he reached office, is he doing fine. By the time I am back to being a mother and a wife late into the evening, some test, some homework some hugs and kisses and some jumping around greets my tired self.

Yes I am a woman and every single day is a celebration for me for all the blessings of Lord Almighty who let me have the grit to go through the grind everyday, who gave me the strength to bear the labour pain, who gave me the ease to effortlessly support my parents, who gave me the will power to have a spine of steel to hold my spouses hand tight through thick and thin, every day I am thankful to God for having given me the strength and the patience only a woman can have !!

But I truly wish life would be easier for my daughters, this world would be kinder to them, they shall be spared the stares and the wolf whistles, I wish I could be at peace when they shall be late to return home from work, I wish I would still be left with the will power to nurture them to be woman of grit and substance and excel in life.

That is the only thing I ask from the society today, especially the Indian Society to make the next generation sensitive towards the safety and respect of women, It is in the hands of every mother and father who has a child to rear, to instill these values, whether you have a daughter or a son , the value of respect and care towards others has to be instilled in them, so that we all strive for a better tomorrow. In turn this day March 08, Womens day actually becomes a day of celebration and gaiety and not a day when at the end of all celebrations we women are still facing the big questions of our safety and security on the streets, among colleagues , amidst crowds and even at our very home.

Friday, February 5, 2010

sorry

It is really commendable, the way King Khan has said sorry to all and sundry but to the Thackerays. I only wish he would not buckle under pressure, also I hope this would not turn out to be another publicity stunt. But then If Mr. Khan supported the Pakistani cricket players, does it mean he is not an Indian anymore, that he should be given ‘Desh Nikala’???

What is it that is making the Thackerays so angry, what are they trying to prove here? How are they going to ensure that Mumbai would be inhabited by only Marathi Manoos and no other Indian would dare to tread there, especially if they belong to Bihar or the North of India. May be now the whole Thackeray clan would go on a rampage seeking introduction of visa and passport if someone other than Marathi wants to visit ‘their’ Mumbai!!

If they are so vehemently against Pakistan, then why did they not ensure, as they are the high and mighty, that Kasab meets with capital punishment at the earliest. Are they waiting for a sorry from him also before they let loose their ire against him.

I think all of us will have to say sorry to our next generation one day, for having stood as meek spectators to such unreasonable and high handed behaviour of some petty politicians. These incidents in one way or the other sow seeds of regionalism in unsuspecting young minds.

Monday, February 1, 2010


Take it up from 1411 – Save the Tiger


My daughter , who is in 2nd standard, is a very worried person for the last one week; she has been selected to enact a play on ‘Save the Tiger’ in her school. Now that is not what she is worried about, she has memorised the number 1411 which is the number of Tigers now remaining in India. She gets teary eyed when the television ad of a small little tiger cub, who seems lost and helpless without his mother appears on the TV. I can see the genuineness of the worry, her innocence and concern for the small cub, the resonating sound of gunshot in the ad made her say, ‘Mama his mother must have been killed’.

She now recounts our trip to Jim Corbett last summer wherein we had gone for a safari into the deep jungles of Jim Corbett for a fair amount of time , but could not see anything apart from some deers, monkeys and an elephant, now she knows why they were not to be seen.

She is looking forward to act in the play and wants to take her play to all the hunters who will see it and magically stop hunting Tigers for their skin!! I wish I could also have that kind of optimism in me, in spite of her concern and worry she is very sure that their play is going to save a lot of Tigers, and I too wish the same. I wish we the grown ups also had the same kind of genuineness of feeling and the same kind of optimism to do something, even the smallest effort will count, to increase this number (1411) or at least to retain it at that.

I am afraid whether my children will have to travel to a museum or flick through magazines and books, or rely on ‘Discovery channel ‘ or ‘National Geography’ channels to show their children what a ‘Tiger’ was, and how our Country had so many of them but we could not save them due to a few hungry hunters, poachers and corrupt people.

I wish and hope along with my child that our zoos and forest reserves and all of us Indians will really rally together and preserve these precious creatures , our national animal , from becoming just a memory , framed photographs or ending up on the wall as a priced possession at a shikaris mansion.

Let us ‘Save the Tiger’.. let us save our National Animal and let him roar away to long life, lots of off springs and a green forest to reign over…………

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

for my darling baby

8 years ago , on this very day
on a chilly winter morning
My lap was adorned with a frail little baby
My darling daughter
My first born who called me ‘mamma’
Me the mamma was born the same day
She is still the same sweet, stubborn and
innocent little girl
I wish her all the joys in the world
I wish her all the strength and endurance and smartness
to face this world successfully
I wish her the best of the world
I am thankful to God for having given me
A smiling, innocent and loving daughter
May be I don’t express my love often enough
May be I am a bit too strict
One day she would read these lines
And would know how much I loved you
My darling daughter
Happy birthday dear once again, May God bless you
with his choicest blessings today and always
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY…….

From Mamma