Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Empty Onam.....

It is Onam today. Somehow this Onam is making me nostalgic and emotional, may be because this is the first Onam after my grandmother's demise, so actually we are not celebrating today. I feel a huge hollow inside me, my heart, I feel empty, I feel bad for the long 5 years when I did not call up my grandmother on Onam, I did not go visitng her, did not even call her up to hear her voice on that day.  I lost precious five years and the sixth year when things had normalised I was way too busy with kids, exams and the daily life to take out some time to go visit her. 

Today I am overwhelmed by the memories of my childhood, the memories of Onam, memories of sweet fragrances emerging from the kitchen in the quaint little house in a beautiful small town of Kerala.  The special glassware that my grandmother would take out on special occassions like Onam to serve Payasam, first it will be served and plated for the Gods and then us. There are some memories in life which hug you hard and does not ever let you go. Onam and the love and simplicity of my grandmother are some of them.  

As years are passing by and I am getting busier and kids are growing up, a sense of loosing grip on time and everything dear is slightly creeping up. The fear of losing looms large sometimes.  Something knots up and tightens inside me everytime I want to laugh out loud or enjoy  my life, may be it has something to do with age or may be with the medicines that I am taking which again is related to age, well.. whatever ... wishing you all my dear and near ones a very Happy Onam. 

Please today on this happy occassion or whenever there is one at your place please pick up that phone and talk to your parents or grand parents or that favourite cousin of yours or that long lost friend and feel good... life just goes by and sometimes it will throw curve balls at us without giving us any time to think or plan .. so please bury the hard feelings.. let the ego die down... this life is short and relationships are precious..just hug your grandmother tight and relish her love for you... I wish I could do that  but mine is not around .... don't let this sense of loss engulf you... don't let that happen to you.


  1. how you feel is written out so well. I am again so sorry for your loss ss. hope the sweet memories of old will be your sustenance instead of the grief. time heals. happy onam to you and yours. hope you are ok. the best gift you can give to yourself and your loved ones is to take care of your own health. take care and have an year filled with good health, peace and laughter. oh and i love the lantern. lan is the acronym of my name but it is also short for lantern which was my very first e-mail id:-) i love it!

  2. lan, I am blessed to have a friend like you who took out time, as promised, and commented on each of my post. Thank you so much. I am so glad you liked my posts and poems. I am equally blessed to have Vincy as my friend who made it a point to comment on each post. Thanks to you and Vincy for being there and supporting throughout. I am planning to start another marathon because I think I need to vent out as much as possible, it's good for the health. HOpe you and your family is doing well,hope you had a great Onam too.

    take care

  3. Rekha firstly good you are venting out. Some of these rants help us immensely by lightening our souls and spirit. What is gone is gone. I completely agree with you when you say that we need to let go off our ego's love people around us, speak to people whom we haven't spoken to in a while, hug more and smile more. and yes you should write more.. ( and look who's speaking :-( )
    Hey Belated Onam Wishes. I had an empty onam too. Unlike yours, I had a presentation at a venue some 30 kms away from home and had to leave home early in a western formals, and eat the formal lunch at office that had american salads, chicken and grilled fish. I had to suppress the Malayali Manga in me this Onam.

    so i am gearing up to read more of your posts. :-)

  4. Ha... ha.. I liked your Malayali manga bit... that's quite a westernised Onam that you had.. belated wishes my dear friend.
    soon.. I am going to vent and looking forward to your posts as well...
    take care