The Balancing Act

Like everybody else around I am also busy in making New Year resolutions. I do not want to sound as if I am writing this for an audience. I am no longer in a mood to do things for an audience or for relatives, friends etc. For the last two years I have been absorbing many shocks, some of them where given by very good neighbours turned friends, finally turned stoic and now out of my life for good, this was in 2008, then dawned 2009 baring a few more bitter truths when very rock solid relations shriveled and was blown away by the winds of rough times. I was stunned to see it falling to dust and gone for good, only remains are some formalities and courtesies. Then came a stage when I replaced these relations with some new ones but I can sense something amiss. So I thought and thought and have now come to a conclusion that after all it is not possible that they were all wrong, it seems it was me who was wrong all the time. I could pin point with all my wisdom gathered about me that wha...

Dripping wet till its willowy bend, Rippling circles on sparkling surface Rain came pouring down I saw a happy leaf talking to a gurgling stream I smelled the soothing fragrance of rain falling on to yearning earth the sound of birds chirping away and the sight of wild flowers lay strewn under the bottle brushed trees amidst dark clouds and gleaming lightning squirrels scurried over to the hole in the Banyan tree And I lay curled on a soft rug warmed by the ambers in the Victorian fire place, looking through the French window, at the wet wild flowers strewn under the bottle brushed trees

This year ,life was like that of a cliff hanger, well it still is, this has been the most uncertain year that ever could be. For more than a few months life is hanging in midair refusing to fly high or touch ground. May be this is exactly the reason that this year in many ways has been an eye opener, showing us the mirror and baring the truth, it took off the beautiful wrapping paper and showed us the real contents inside. Inspite of the uncertainties that it brought, this year also taught us some important lessons. This year, more than once I found this thought at the back of my mind like a wall paper, that, our life is like a bubble, it may burst any time and till the time we have colours of rainbow reflecting from it and we are floating around in the horizon, everything is just fine, but it could be that we might just go pop in a matter of seconds. I do not know why this thought keeps on recurring in my mind, may be there is something to learn from it, may be it is giving me the mes...

I am really sorry here that I am going against a rule set by myself that I would not talk about my worklife here, but what to do??? certain things are forcing me to rant full force on my ‘ privilege page ‘ (my blog). So beware of full on rant before anyone ventures out to read it. On Friday we moved to our new 100 crore , sprawling 9 floor tower ,newly set up and build by our own Engineers in the NCR region. When the tower was inaugurated I felt more proud than my Chairman himself because when I joined this company it had 80 odd people and a small , rented office with a capacity to seat that many people only. Slowly but steadily things started moving, then the slow pace was left behind , much behind and we were on a roller coaster ride , purely upwards on a growth so vigorous that we were there almost on all the floors of the 12 storied commercial building in a short while. Sorry I digress, this was not the growth story of my Company, this was a rant, err. is a rant. From the day I s...

Gratitude I was walking barefoot along the river, Pebbles criss crossed my path. The river was a colour of light milky tea, The grass on the river bank was damp. I sat on the damp grass looking at a lone boat, Silhouetted against the moonlight It stirred in me the desire to slowly drown myself, Into the cold caressing water, the depth of the river sent ripples of fear in me. I slowly stood up and smelled the lilies blooming near Clutching on to myself I walked back, To the wooden desk with a candle lit, My hands intertwined, moonlight crept in and I prayed For letting me feel the pebbles under my feet, For the damp grass and the moonlight, For the cold and inviting water, For four little hands and a strong shoulder For my whole life and for whom I strive I prayed With teary eyes full of faith and gratitude

I was four years old and waiting was so much fun those days. I used to wait on the doorstep for my grandfather to turn up after his work, he was a photographer by profession and used to work in a nearby studio at that point of time. I was his first and only grand daughter and was the apple of his eyes. Every evening when he returned home, he sure had a small packet made of newspaper which contained some delicacy or snack ‘palaharam’ , the sight of the packet , the smell of it and the glaze of oil on the paper were the main attraction for me. When he used to enter the house calling out my name, I jumped on to him , on his lap in a second and the packet would be mine. He would then sit down for his glass of tea, and some tea was served to me also , I would first concentrate on eating the snack , it might be ‘neyyappam’ or ‘unniyappan’, sometime a ‘pappada boli’ or a ‘madakkusa’ and the best days were when I got orange coloured , juicy jalebis. Once the savoring was over , I would t...

My daily dose of Ordeal I face a mammoth task daily, that of commuting from my home to office and coming back to home in the evenings…you may think .. how is it a mammoth task ? Okay let me tell you … this daily commuting form home to work and back.. it inevitably saps all my energy in the morning and leaves me dead tired in the evenings. It is my daily dose of ordeal… the huge traffic jams..thanks to innumerable projects of construction of flyover, grade separators, underpass etc etc.. which has to be completed before Commonwealth games in 2010.. this has given way to unending lines of vehicles.. honking incessantly… uncaring pedestrians ignoring the green light and walking away merrily in midst of blaring horns and angry abuses. Struck at one place in the traffic not moving even an inch for as long as half an hour. After all this chaos on road, by the time I reach home around 8.30 / 8.45 pm or sometimes even at 9.30 p.m ( I leave office at 6.00 p.m sharp) all thanks to atleas...

This is my first ever tag on blogosphere. I picked this up from Deepti's blog... A - Available: Always for my family and friends - Age: Please don’t ask…!!! - Annoyance: Unpunctual late lateefs - Animal: Like them in zoos and forests B - Beer: Yup ! - Birthplace: Delhi - Body Part on opposite sex: Eyes - Best feeling in the world: Seeing the happiness on my children's face - Blind or Deaf: Neither - Best weather: October – November in Delhi neither very hot nor very cold.. pleasant - Been in Love: Yes - Been on stage: Yes - Believe in yourself: Most of the times yes.. - Believe in life on other planets: Yes - Believe in miracles: Yes.. absolutely - Believe in Magic: Yes ! - Believe in God: 200% C - Car: Audi.. Skoda.. this is my wishlist - Candy: Does not have a sweet tooth - Color: White and black. - Cried in school: Yes.. many times - Chocolate/Vanilla: Vanilla - Country to visit: Switzerland D - Day or Night: Night - Danced: in parties .. with friends… at home with my kids...

During my childhood days I used to roam around the big area at the back and the front of our house in Kerala, this area is known as ‘aiyyam’. Everyone else at the house used to be in their afternoon siesta at that time, which was the time when I used to smell the roses, weed out the plants and run after happy yellow butterflies and sit on the rock on which my grand mother used to wash clothes. I can still feel those times as if I have been freezed there, I can still smell the jasmine flowers which were strewn on the mud and still see the orange coloured coconuts (karikk) hanging in bunches from small coconut trees. I was always fascinated by the parrots who had made their nest atop of a coconut tree which had a burnt top and was not growing any more and had become a hollow wood, I used to spot a bird daily, this bird had red rimmed eyes, yellowish brown and dark brown wings, it was called as ‘uppan’ in our area. The knocking of the wood pecker on to the tusk of the coconut trees a...

Wet Drops Rising tides washed away the sands, Stretching out on the cold sea shore Pale moonlight danced on silky hairstrands Weaving life and dreams galore A sprinkling of stars on the vast skies, Ushered the cool wind carrying wet drops Falling on to the embrace on the horizon, Of the sky , the sea and the orange sun Clouds cluttered and gathered might, slithering on to the vast skies brimming with winds and the rains Then lifted the heart ,on to a shimmering , loving , long night

The void has been deepening and widening and silence getting resonant. The abrasion is deepening taking the form of a wound. The lullabies and the study time, the hoards of secrets , unending heart to heart talk and the strong and supporting hand , everything has turned into the fading pale pages of past. Even relationships saturate and younger ones replace you in the family ! this never crossed the mind, such thoughts never occurred, was never prepared. The cocoon of warmth , the comfort of an advise , a shoulder to cry on.. has all of this been taken away .. slowly but surely.. yes. It is really difficult learning the lessons of life… but here also you are my teacher.. making me understand in your own unique way.. that I do not matter…not any more !!

Being anonymous…it’s fun.. its scary .. Only fellow bloggers and people who happen to read my blogs are the ones who are aware that I am a blogger…no body not my husband, not my mother, not my best friends know that I am doing this. They do not know that I am writing to the world my deepest darkest secrets.. my fears.. my feelings …sometimes I feel guilty and want to tell them. But then I do not know how they would react.. my husband starts fuming if I surf for anything apart from foodblogs.. especially ‘orkut’ irritates him to no end. I have also become sick of ‘Orkut’ in some ways.. people have started using it for flaunting.. show off… getting equal with others and what not.. I am sure it has its good side also like it has helped us to get back to some long lost good friends from College and School .. but I think some of the feelings of my hubby dear has rubbed on to me . I have sort of become obsessed of being a blogger… while going back home from office in the chartered bu...

It’s over ten years since I have met you. But I have never forgotten you, your name comes up in my thought often, when I was blessed with my first baby I wished I could meet you, how you would react seeing your crazy friend in her maternity clothes nursing a sweet little baby with care and poise, I remembered how I used to insist to you that I would deliver a baby only if you becomes my Gynae. I missed you all the time when I spent years without having a single soul in the name of friend, I was going through a very bad phase in life and needed to blurt out everything so badly, so many time my hands reached for the inland letter which we used to exchange over 5 years when I was pursuing my graduation, then Diploma and went on to work and meanwhile you were slogging hard to complete your MBBS course and finally got the title of ‘Dr. ‘ prefixed to your name. I missed you whenever I saw two girls giggling away on a bus, on the street or just roaming around the market… I missed all our ...

I have been going through a lot of blogs recently and I must say I have chickened out after seeing the quality of writing in all these blogs. It’s not as if I was critically analyzing them nor am I an authority on anybody’s writing prowess but it’s the amazing simplicity, sincerity, humor ( its just too good), the ability to laugh at yourself and the ability to touch the heart of those who read your blogs which makes these blogs really awesome. Hats off to all you women, some of whom I have noticed are home makers which means that they always have something or the other to look after, to set right etc. but they are still pursuing their interest, taking time out for themselves, to pour their heart out and hats off to them too who are working and who are constantly hard pressed for time yet they are taking time out to connect to the world, to their friends and more importantly to themselves. I also came across some male writers who were really striking with their writing, their abili...

Usually I don’t get time to go through the newspapers in the morning, because mornings are the most chaotic time at my house.. no time.. no time…no time, but today I managed to take a passing look at the front page, and since then I am down and out… I am angry, upset and very sad… There were two news items which contributed to my state of mind. One is the news which says that a young woman who seems to have been a victim of hit and run accident case and who had already died, her body had been run over several times by many vehicles on a busy Delhi –UP road , her body was so much mutilated by all this that the police had to pick up her body parts from several places in pieces … while I read this news I could not believe my eyes that Delhites have become so ruthless, they have lost their soul and heart and humanity … this is how they treated a fellow human being… she died the death of a street dog… which we see everyday on busy roads… I could not fathom the depth of n...

Colours of passion Sometime ago a splash of red on the pristine white turned the Cool blue breeze into a wild storm Turmoils on the warm brown hearth gave way to sprouting purple wings to paradise Unyielding emotions ran riot yearning to sail towards the unknown A flashing glimpse of strangeness, yet so familiar, Promised to sweep away towards an enchanting island Colours of vibrant hue speckled with exotic scents gave way to a moment of sinful ecstasy a gushing wave of guilt washed off the moment freezed on the horizon and brought back to the pristine white , to the warm embrace of yore, to today and forever till eternity… right from my heart

Women Drops of perspiration adorned her brow She kept running fast behind the rainbow Her steps faltered and sight blinded By the multitude of colours that shimmered She stretched out her hands to touch it But it disappeared leaving behind nothing but mist She stood there looking at the sky And at the giant banyan tree with its branch rising high Far away she heard the song of some unknown bird Soulfully beckoning a mate and longing to be cared She stood mesmerized then turned around And walked, back to her home, her child, sleeping sound She looked at her and again found the rainbow This time on her little daughters serene white brow right from my heart ..

It's been weighing heavily on my mind for the past year and half. Now I am trying to attribute it to reasons all and sundry, latest one is 'bad feng shui' or better may be 'bad vaastu' of my house. I have realised now that any relation, however strong and sturdy and close knit, is guarnteed to go haywire. Now I have started doubting my self, i`s it `me? Am I so bad? my tongue so sharp and so insensitive that I have hurt people and their sentiments beyond any repair because I chose to say the truth as it is and did not resort to any nice words. Some very close relations have started playing hide and seek (because I am friendly with someone who is not in the good books of someone else who is close to her ) but I pursue her relentlessly because I feel that she has been a source of strength to me always, sometimes financial, sometimes moral but always a strength, and would always respect her. I want to cutt (extra 't' intentional) off my razor sharp tongu...

Loneliness lingered on the empty fields I saw it Sitting by the train window, Bearing the blistering heat Of a sleepy ,dusty May afternoon It loomed large on the dry and barren lands, stretching out With little brown huts here and there. Naked little children playing around the dilapidated handpump, Their mothers sitting around huddled in groups, Some gossiping, some bickering It hovered around Puddles of water collected along some thorny trees Where Stray dogs rolled themselves in it and curled nearby, For wiling away the afternoon, sleeping. Some miles away it followed a bullock cart ,which dragged itself farther Towards the town, on the other side of the parched river. As night descended and hot winds blew again Loneliness sat, wearily, on a wooden bench, under a cracked, dim tubelight In a dark and lonely railway station. Right from my heart

I gave birth to my second daughter after going through a lot of struggle with my health, I suffered from gestational diabetes, I was totally upset mentally and physically , diabetes had taken a toll on my body and mind. I was handed over a long list by my doctor, this list contained the names of all the food that ‘I should not have’, unfortunately the diabetes was deducted rather late when I was in the middle of my 7th month and ideally I should have eaten as much as I can, as during the initial four to five months I could not eat any thing much as I had incessant vomiting . In order to bring the sugar level in the blood under control I was put on a diet of methi seed subji, methi leaf subji, karela and 2 sookhi roti each in the morning, lunch and dinner. The result was that the net weight gain during this pregnancy was 5 kgs !!!. I was not supposed to take any medicine as it could harm my baby so I was advised by the Doctor to take insulin injections everyday. Initially I we...

Hey, two invaluable comments on my blog ... and I am ready for a lifetime of writing my heart out. Thanks again for those sincere words,... if I would say that it is encouraging.. it would be an understatement.. it is much more than that. Since it has been quite sometime that I have not done any writing bit, apart from the usual business correspondence which is oh ! so boring and where one has to be very cautious, I am so happy to have found this place again for expressing myself. I have a problem and that is I am too lazy with the punctuation marks, when I am in the flow of words I do not care to put them and once I finish writing and start reading what I wrote it gives a raw appearance, I think I need to do some brushing up of my grip on punctuation marks. Long ago I used to write diary each day, I had more than 7 diaries with me at one point of time , but one emotional outburst had everything in flames. I regretted what I did for a long time, but one diary of mine was saved fro...

It was exactly around a year back that I had created this blog , to vent out my post maternity blues, I had just joined back office and was looking out for a way to give vent to my brimming emotions. However, I could not pursue it due to work, lack of time etc. etc. Today I am going to actually start blogging with full passion and devotion, I am using these words becaus I had always wanted to write, to read and to write again and feel wonderful about writing and like a writer (I do not claim to be one) has always yearned for the opinion of others. But now I am not doing it out of these feelings , in blogs I have found a platform to give shape to my innermost feelings, to be honest and to be pure and be true to your self, I must mention Deepti 's blog which I read in one go and through her I could find the most memorable teacher of my life Mrs. Chandrika, Deepti I am indebted to you, coz its your blog which carried me over to hers and as usual she has done wonders to my sagg...