Forgive me !

.

My dear first born,

I do not know whether you shall be reading this letter at all, my heart says you would one day.   I would like you to read my heart  today, I hope you and your sister will forgive me….

I know I am not a good mother, I am not even half of being a good mother.

My reasons are here, you might think 'how does she know all this? and if she knew why did she not change at all'/, sweetheart, I try every day to change myself and be the mother that you want me to be.  I know you have the same kind of heart that I have, my entire childhood and teenage years I had also yearned for my mother's love, her attention and her care the reasons were different with me and the reasons are different with you.  I just want you to know that I love you from the depth of my heart, I want you to have all the happiness in life, I want you to be successful in life and most of all I want you to feel loved and cared for, you should feel that your mother is there with you always, she might not talk or behave like a good mother but she would move mountains for you and she is and she can work till the last day of her life just for you.

These are the ways which pains you a lot, I know ... I know very well and I promise one day I will mend my ways, I shall be able to overcome my fatigue and problems at work and of life in general and I shall be the mother you dream of  :-

I hate myself when every day I yell at you when you are getting ready for the school, my yells are like the alarm that goes off when  I am racing against the clock and it's a pity that I drag you along with me, you want to cut your long hair which you grew long when you were a small kid, now that you have grown up you want it to be cut short, but we, me and your father will not hear anything about it and everyday me and you have this yelling session because of this long hair, which has to be combed and tied neatly into two plaits, for which we have to really spend quite a bit of time and time is a rare commodity in the mornings....  I really wish I would stop yelling, I really wish I could let you do whatever you want with your hair.. I hate myself for shouting at you and making your life miserable every morning – Forgive me for this..

In the evenings when I return home I am a monster, all I want is peace of mind and no one to talk to me, I am bogged down with fatigue and irritation which is because of the almost 2 hour long journey which I have to take everyday to reach home from office. On my way I always plan to be jovial with you and your sister, I pledge to myself that I shall speak calmly and lovingly to you , that I would listen with a smile to your narration of what happened at school everyday, but, alas, the moment I enter the house I turn into this most unreasonable, most unpleasant human being, whom even I despise.  Once I enter I just want to get on with the chores for dinner and the preparation for next days breakfast , how I wish I could get some house help who would make life easy for us.. but you dearest daughter has to bear the brunt of it all and my heart breaks into thousand pieces when I see you recoiling and retreating to your room when I ask you to shut up and let me be – Forgive me  for being so rude and rough with you

On weekends you look forward to spending time with me, may be just playing a game with you, discussing a novel which you have recently read or just a stroll in the park which is right in front of our house, but nothing of this sort happens because entire Saturday I am busy preparing breakfast and lunch and then washing clothes, though in a washing machine, but the condition of power at our place spoils entire day and again I end up being a good for nothing mother, only thing I do is yell at you – yes, as usual – Please please forgive me

I have seen you looking at me longingly and expectantly as to when my mother would pamper me, or say some sweet words to me, I have seen you reveling in happiness when once in a blue moon, I sit with you and play a game of cards or just talk to you- I am sorry my dear daughter, I wish I could just throw away all my cares to the wind, I wish I could sit at home and be a good mother to you, someone who would give you hot food when you come from school in cold winters and give you cold nimbu paani when you come from school in hot afternoons.  How I wish I could play with you and be the sweet mother you dream of , how I wish I could fight off all the demons within me and around me and just be caring and doting mother with lots of time and energy and love for you my dearest daughter.

 My Heart broke into thousand pieces when I heard that you told your grandmother that you wanted to be a housewife when you grow up so that you can be with your children and love them and care for them.  I died a thousand death hearing that , not because I consider your choice as bad, but because I knew this was the reflection of my approach and attitude to you – I really wish and pray that whatever you become in life, whether a housewife or  a working professional, you will have enough time and energy and facilities and support system  in life which will enable you to become a loving, doting mother to your children – and let not even the  shadow of my irritability and rudeness touch you and your goodness .

 Once again forgive me my dear, I am guilty and this guilt kills me everyday – I pray for a day in my life When I can stop running this race and just relax by your side and love you to the hilt but I know by then it shall be too late, for you shall have moved out by then and would have grown wings and would have flew away to your own life, your own nest…. Forgive me…forgive me.

Dear Daughter….forgive me….