The Balancing Act

 This year dawned upon us with this  fancy number 2020,  we all had such huge expectations from this year. We were not even out of our stupor of  Holidays and Holi that we were suddenly caught in this unbelievable loop of time called the 'Pandemic' caused by  the tiny, invisible 'Corona Virus'.   I just can't wrap my head around the fact that those normal, run of the mill things that generations after generations lived through with out giving a second thought suddenly became a distant dream, a luxury, a yearning for the entire world from March 2020 till date, even upto this moment that  I am writing this customary year end - New Year post. This virus is such a cruel, ruthless  teacher that  everything that we learned in our lives till now was turned upside down and was rendered worthless, just like that. I remember that in the year 2019 we all threw around the term 'disruption' so much that like a jinx, in the year 2020, it fell on our l...

Soul's  starlit  solitude...  One day the walk amidst the snow clad mountains shall be exhilarating ! so i think.  The walk with out baggage, without a care in the world would sooth the frayed nerves.  On the banks of  the lake with crystal blue waters I will sit.  The ocher  moon with its majestic beauty shall benevolently spread its silver light all over my happy soul.  Sipping my rose apple wine I shall revel in the solitude all around. The sounds of night may bother me at first, I might wonder what will happen when the moon dwindles and decides to disappear, the fear of the dark will lurk around the corners of my healing heart.  Then I would know that the ghosts that may come are none dangerous, they would be those familiar ones of  my angst, my guilt and my utter loneliness amidst a crowd and I would just hug them and let them be. The tall pine trees all around adorned with snowflakes would not scare me with their humongous sha...

Wandering soul perched on the green moss  on the brown stairs leading to depths of the pond floating blue water lilies  flaunting wide green leaves failing to cover up  the sordid tales beneath muddy waters that seeped into the lungs putting out the silken dreams  unmasked the threads  those long and slippery ones that tore and tied her legs too those half baked stories those venomous snakes  that glided and writhed the pristine white robe floated clinging to algae  shards of broken heart pierced on to the onlookers the black conscience  warped in orange lies soul loomed above cracked and dried longing for the wet warmth of the swollen body that succumbed  searching for unfailing friends weeping womb the deep waters filled up the crevices with wet and windy sins to ripple into whirlwind  to slip away  into orbit of blissful abyss soulful slumber  of no more empty lifeless lifetimes

With great difficulty I accomplished something which was elusive since long.  I was down and under because of the way it was elusive, I felt worthless, demotivated and had to drag my self to try one more time  each time I failed.   One quote particularly stuck with me and that was " I want to see what happens when I refuse to give up', so I kept at it repeatedly.  I was on the brink of depression, may be it was depression but I certainly do not want to use the word casually.  Also I realised that no one, no one understood what I was going through and even if I tried to explain I could not, somehow, bring out in words the intensity of how I was poised to just break up into pieces. Well, now finally when I met with my goal, I was overwhelmed and elated. Ready to start, roll up my sleeves and prove my self and suddenly something out of the blue like a thunderbolt struck me and showed me that I did not have to go through all this turmoil ever if I had communica...

When rejection hounds you It slays a knife right through the midriff, ripping it into two agonizingly dripping bright droplets of dead blood it makes your own hands reach for your gaping face push into into the abysmal haze putting a black sheet over your eyes thankfully obliterating the cursed silhouette then when you suddenly turn around grappling its long tentacles scratching on its seething apathy throwing your head back giving a hard push to your psyche inhaling fresh feelings faith and hope flailing arms slowly simmer heating up cold heart to warm up some color sparking a bright new naivety to try once again just once again!

crushed under the mammoth weight of expectations self esteem shattered scattered around like dry leaves whimpering noises creating unrest aging the dreams tugging the seams mammoth shall be the efforts to soar again like a phoenix ready to climb fly into the highest peaks of the horizon the rejection is yours the victory is mine my ship will trot all along the globe and shall anchor only at my will at the golden sunrise for everyone to see.. sowing the seeds once again of bright dreams that  shall come true you wait.. and see....

And just like that you turned 18!! It's your 18th birthday and I owe a post to you my darling!! I do! It might sound cliche when I say that I see a lot of myself in you, but it is the truth.  You are so much like me but yet so different .  Let me tell you that though I am your mother and like all mothers I am partial to my child's abilities and talents, but when I say you are the best, it's not a mother, its an HR Professional telling you that you have so much potential, you have so much of mettle that you shall be great at whatever profession that you choose in life!.  Also your writing tells me that you are going to be one great writer, I just love the way you shape up your thoughts on paper, your command on language, the flow , the words , the content everything just shapes up so beautifully. Like every teenager you also had teen issues, you still have but you have a big advantage  wherein you come across as this friendly, happy soul that you are goi...

when you are midway in life, at some point were you are at the exact middle of an average human life and you still have to prove yourself, on silly, stupid things it is agonizing !   When you have worked like a horse for the entire , exact half of that mid point and still has an important milestone to pass before you reach the top professionally, it is insulting ! When no one gives a damn about any of this or anything you have done for more than two decades of your life, it is heart breaking! When you spend everyday awaiting that one call which can help you to turn a corner in your professional life, it is hugely discouraging! When you cut your heart out for a friend and be present for them, be there for them come what may and suddenly they start ignoring you . it is absolutely soul wrenching! I can keep thinking about all this and loath in self pity or I can count my blessings, the small , the big and the ones which are about to come a...