A Heartfelt Prayer!

This year is only 4 months old and it has already knocked me out not once but twice.  This February 26th my Father breathed his last, though I was struggling with his cancer treatment since February '22 and knew that sooner or later he shall leave, but when the moment came, sooner than I expected, it was nothing like what I had ever expected.  Ours was not a typical Father daughter relationship, It was just hanging on threads of responsibility, compassion and the fact that he brought me into this world, even then the vacum and grief which overwhelmed me on his passing  just left me shocked.

I had not even recovered from it fully and it was not even 2 months since my father passed that on this  April 23rd my Father in law, who was actually my Father in many ways,  who was the person who showed me the real meaning of a Father's love and how to bring up your kids selflessly passed away just like that, one moment he was there and the next he just vanished.  The fact that we got him here from Kerala only 10 days back for treatment and that his diagnosis was not even complete and that he just celebrated his birthday one day prior just added fuel to the fire of grief and anger and confusion which has engulfed me. The fact that the onlookers, the relatives, the so called well wishers do not in any which way understand my tears and grief just because I am  a daughter in law and not someone connected to him by blood and that my grief is looked into curiously and with doubts by all and sundry makes things absolutely difficult, raw and intense for me.

Handling two deaths in a matter of 2 months has literally, physically and emotionally drained me completely and I have no idea how to charge my self back up.  On top of it I am  on the verge of empty nest as my elder one will be moving into a different city for higher studies and that I am also on the verge  of some professional changes after almost 2 decades is too many changes happening too fast in life.   Apart from that my  Mother would also be leaving city sooner or later to join my sister in another city,  just the thought that now I shall  not able to meet her at the drop of a hat (she lived close by for almost 20 years, just 5 minutes away) wrenches my heart. Even now when she is with my Aunt in the same city though a few kilometers away, when I pass through the place where my mothers house is situated and the tree under which my Father used to constantly be seen along with his oldy friends just makes me feel hollow and empty and cold. Sometimes I am unable to make sense of the feelings that rises and crashes like waves inside my heart  and the most  unexplained is the numbness which creeps in unexpectedly and refuses to leave.

It is important for me to shake off these emotions and feelings and I am trying everything for that.  I decided to put this here so tha I am writing it down and it gets out of my system, it   gets poured on to these pages and then  somehow unburdens me from the weight of this heaviness that constantly sits on my chest. 

Now finally,  I am putting this request on to the Universe  and the higher power out there to please be kind to me  and my loved ones.  I am sending this thought and intention with a heartfelt  prayer to let the rest of the year be better and positive and full of light. Let the souls who passed away shower their blessings  on me and my family and let a brighter and kinder life dawn upon us.

Let the shroud of endings and grief give way to umbrella of love and  happiness and new beginnings to me and my loved ones, my family ! Amen.