Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Empty Onam.....

It is Onam today. Somehow this Onam is making me nostalgic and emotional, may be because this is the first Onam after my grandmother's demise, so actually we are not celebrating today. I feel a huge hollow inside me, my heart, I feel empty, I feel bad for the long 5 years when I did not call up my grandmother on Onam, I did not go visitng her, did not even call her up to hear her voice on that day.  I lost precious five years and the sixth year when things had normalised I was way too busy with kids, exams and the daily life to take out some time to go visit her. 

Today I am overwhelmed by the memories of my childhood, the memories of Onam, memories of sweet fragrances emerging from the kitchen in the quaint little house in a beautiful small town of Kerala.  The special glassware that my grandmother would take out on special occassions like Onam to serve Payasam, first it will be served and plated for the Gods and then us. There are some memories in life which hug you hard and does not ever let you go. Onam and the love and simplicity of my grandmother are some of them.  

As years are passing by and I am getting busier and kids are growing up, a sense of loosing grip on time and everything dear is slightly creeping up. The fear of losing looms large sometimes.  Something knots up and tightens inside me everytime I want to laugh out loud or enjoy  my life, may be it has something to do with age or may be with the medicines that I am taking which again is related to age, well.. whatever ... wishing you all my dear and near ones a very Happy Onam. 

Please today on this happy occassion or whenever there is one at your place please pick up that phone and talk to your parents or grand parents or that favourite cousin of yours or that long lost friend and feel good... life just goes by and sometimes it will throw curve balls at us without giving us any time to think or plan .. so please bury the hard feelings.. let the ego die down... this life is short and relationships are precious..just hug your grandmother tight and relish her love for you... I wish I could do that  but mine is not around .... don't let this sense of loss engulf you... don't let that happen to you.




Friday, September 2, 2016

Guiltily yours

 

I am planning to go on a girls night out with the girl gang... and I am like shattering into pieces already from inside.  Every time I look at my daughters I feel guilty, guilty that I shall not be around a whole night and half day and I am actually going to have fun without them around.  I have spent nights out with my friends earlier but I have always had my kids around.  Also I have gone out on official trips many times, for days together, I have felt bad and guilty not to be with them for helping them around but not the guilt in this proportion because I know I am working and they know that too, here I know I am having fun and they know that too. I thought of not telling them about the trip but then the guilt would only double.


I feel as if I am really going to do something gigantically unmom like  (er... I know there is no such word) well, I feel bad, and many times I almost dialed my friends number to tell her that I can not do it, I can not have fun with out my kids, how can I ? it is totally not happening.  While doing this I realized that as parents how much our lives revolve round our kids, anything and everything that we do in our life has to be done taking into consideration how it would affect our kids, whether it is something as complicated as moving to a new city or location or something as simple as ordering food from outside, everything has to be in sync with our children and their liking and comfort. 


Then one fine morning our children, all set and ready to go and explore the world will say their goodbyes to us and just fly away leaving the nest empty, mothers like me will sit permanently perched on the windowsill looking out for our children to come home during holidays, during summer breaks, during our anniversary, birthday etc. but then they will be busy with their own lives, their children, they will plan their summer breaks, their holidays, anniversary and birthdays as per the liking and comfort of their children, they will make all their plans as per their children, it is only but natural .... and history shall repeat itself... 

 

The whole point is parents, especially mothers and that too working mothers die a thousand death if they take out even a day out for pampering themselves or going out with their friends , we feel that we are snatching away the time that our children deserves with us. Some one like me who is a natural worrier will not even enjoy the outing even if I finally decide to go ahead with the night out plan, because every time I  will be loosening out and about to relax I shall remember my kids at home and shall embark on my guilt trip with all my might...

 

 

I am guilty.. guiltily yours... my children..........

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Irony of an online life....

It is unfortunate that we are dangerously close to becoming a civilization with minimum or no emotional quotient..ironically at the same time we are the closest to becoming the most connected human beings in the last so many centuries.  We are lost without our social media updations, Facebook, whatsapp, the likes, the shares, the status updates that's all we do.  Here I am not negating some very powerful influence that the social media has in highlighting certain issues and getting it the right attention it deserves.  However, in-spite of all this power, networking, global world etc. etc. that earthy, simple human compassion is severely missing.

You have to just look around to see people cocooned in their own world with a smartphone in hand, its their world, the person sitting right in front or right beside is of no consequence, it is always the person who is online whether that person is genuine , fake, you know that person, has met, never met, never mind!!

From this stems another problem altogether and that is that as a parent I am truly dealing with a totally different set of problems than what my parents had to deal with, I am apprehensive and always on my guard to make my children aware and be sensible of the dangers lurking in a social media platform and at the same time I need to be equally vigilant of my daughter using even the kindle ...with the kind of access she has to all kinds of books at just a  tap..books..which can be dangerous for a teenager..

Also when I was a kid I remember running out of my house to the park right in front of my house to play for hours together, till dusk fell when my Mother would call me from the verandah.. but not my kids..  not your kids...first there is no time.. they have tuition classes, music classes, home work, assignments and then sometimes when they squeeze out some time to venture out... someone has to be there with them totally in vigil lest they fall prey to any untoward incident .. any anti social element which might be waiting in the shadow to strike.  

Do not think that I have gone paranoid, I am not, this is the reality of today, the Metro, the Capital where we live in where we do not know what is going on in the next flat .. and neither do we bother.. we come to know when somebody posts something on FB or something comes in the media.. even about something which happens in our neighbors flat. Also we talk to our neighbors in the whatsapp group made for RWA or the ladies group.. everybody is always online but if you emerge out of your flat thinking that today you will visit your neighbor.. be rest assured that she is busy on her smartphone..she would rather chat with you on Whatsapp...

Such is the irony of life.... it is like being alone in a crowd...

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Yoohooo !!! (Blogmarathon post no. 30)

Yoohooo…. I am mighty pleased with myself for having completed the blog marathon which I started on June 27 ,  2016, I was inspired by Ms. Shenoy who is a hugely popular novelist and in spite of her busy schedule takes out time to update her blog and connect with her readers… her blog is also a hugely inspiring place. I am thankful to Ms. Preeti Shenoy for being an inspiration to me and many readers like me.

Now, I am convinced that if I put my heart and soul into it, I can take up many challenges and overcome it successfully.

I am very much thankful to Vincy, my dear friend, a friend which this blog of mine has gifted to me for being so supportive throughout and coming and reading every post of mine and commenting on it, this in spite of being a full time working women with a house to manage and many other social / church activities for which she devotes her time.  

I am thankful to myself for not having succumbed to the temptation of giving up on the blog marathon midway…………… It took me a bit long.. but it's done.

I might do this often as it really really helps me unwind and gives a great sense of satisfaction

I am thankful to all those readers also who came here but did not comment but I am sure you have gone through my posts……thank you… Thank you all……

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Challenges... (Blogmarathon post no. 29)

It takes a lot of effort to change, especially when you have  already passed a few decades of your life, but still the time is never too late to take up any challenge and at least try it out before we give it up totally.  Some of the  things which I would like to take up as a challenge are:-

  1. To try and speak only wherever required, especially the urge to speak my mind even if it is going to be detrimental for me in the long run - especially in the professional matters.
  2.  To learn to relax and give a break to my worrier mind, especially when I am on a vacation with my family
  3. To stop doing clock watching for others.  I am a stickler for punctuality and like to reach at least 5 minutes before time, every where, every time and I keep on pressing my husband and kids to do  the same.  Though it’s a good thing to inculcate this habit in kids but in the long run I get quite worked up when they do not watch clock as I do
  4.  There are certain things in life which I want to try desperately but a fear stops me from doing it… well this one is going to be a topic for my next post so I will leave it at that here...


    These are the top priorities and the list, otherwise it is quite a lengthy list. May be in the near future I shall be able to do posts giving out how I succeeded in overcoming these challenges one by one.. till then .. good luck to me.....

Monday, August 1, 2016

Let our women shoot them .....

“Let our women shoot Bulandshahr culprits in public: Rape victims’ family”

 By now the nation might be aware of what happened to a family who was travelling from Noida to Bulandshahar.  In front of the male members of the family the woman and her 14 year old daughter was brutalised and gangraped, there were 12 men in that gang.  These words bold, underlined above are the words of the family members of the woman and her daughter.

Now a shiver runs through my spine even before I finish typing these words, I am a woman of almost similar age as that woman and my daughter is exactly 14 years old and there are many instances when me and my family drives down late at night to our home may be after attending a party or a dinner or an ailing relative, or may be coming back after a weekend spent in the neighbourhood of Delhi.  To be honest I have many times avoided such journeys just because I am scared of my husband drving three of us through the deserted and unkind Delhi roads. But when you are with your husband or father or brother there is always a sense of security which binds us, we relax in the car, we sleep, we play games, we eat or we listen to music, I can just imagine how similar they must have felt in the company of their male family members.

It breaks my heart a million times and the pain and empathy I feel for them is beyond words, I do not know what to say, I am so numb, what are we coming to ?  When will we have basic things in life taken care of , safety, safe travel on roads even with our own family members is not possible any more in this country and that too so near to the national capital. I feel ashamed and scarred and totally totally hopeless for the women, old women  and girls and baby girls of this country, who are raped and violated inspite of being 80 year old or 8 months old. Are we even human any more, what has flown out of our upbringing or conscience, what is it that makes these men so cruel and sadistic?

Inspite of such cruelty towards women why the judiciary and executive is sitting on those laws, why Nirbhaya’s rapitsts are still alive, inspite of all the evidence, inspite of so much uproar, so much anger, why all the human rights people wake up only for the hunter and not for the hapless victims.

If people like Aamir khan and wife feel unsafe in this country, what about women like me, my daughter, your daughter who has to go out for work, to get educated, to play, to shop… what should we feel… is there any way we can do something drastic and make these lawmakers sit up and take notice and give justice to the violated women and girls of this country.

I feel so heavy hearted, it makes me want to flee this place along with my two daughters where I will not have to worry about their safety every waking hour, a place where they will be respected for who they are, where they will be treated as a human being and not as sex objects.


My heart goes out with prayer and wishes for strength to the mother and daughter and the entire family, they might never be able to come out this trauma but we can at least console them by punishing their violators, so why not agree to the family's request and let them be shot at by these women, why not I ask, why not? They did not think through before committing this heinous crime, they why should we before punishing them??

Let us set an example, let every man shiver with fear even before he brings about a dirty thought about a woman in his mind, let alone put a finger on her… so please  let us shoot them… 

Before we visit the goddess - an opinion not a review... (blogmarathon post no. 27)

I devoured the book ‘Before we visit the Goddess’,  I loved it to bits.  Ms. Divakaruni is a master story teller, the details, the imagery, her solid grip on the emotions of all her characters makes it a beautiful story.

 Though I am not a feminist, I am sure neither is Ms. Divakaruni, the way she has given strength and grit to all her female protagonist is just amazing,  and it makes you all the more proud of being a woman. I say so because she is talking of four generations of women in a family and it is really difficult to give different shades and means of strength to women protagonist spanning from the early 1900s to the y2k era… but she does it and does so effortlessly.  All these women appear to be vulnerable and with their weaknesses in place but somehow, somewhere they all seem to pick up the broken thread, make it a sturdy rope and haul themselves up in the ladder of life.....

She captures the different mindset, different melancholy and different set of difficulty that each women has to face in her generation, but all these amalgamates beautifully to weave a poignant story which shows us that if women can be as soft as a petal , she can also be as  strong as steel if she wishes to be and she fights her own battles and wins it too….

Only the ending was not as I perceived it to be but when I think it over it’s the best option available, but let me tell you I am usually a fussy person when it comes to the ending of novels and movies.. because endings can be quite unsettling when you have almost lived the life of characters throughout the reading of a book or watching of a movie… Also I thought that the book should have been given some other name.... well.. that is just me....


Go ahead …buy this book, you won’t regret it….