Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Mirage



Some days are dark and dowdy, some days are all spring and sun.  Of late, I feel there is something inside me, which is immensely eager to break free, break free into lines, paragraphs, pages, and chapters, metamorphosing into a wonderful, soul touching piece of literature. 

 Am I out of my mind, or is it the age catching up with me and showing me mirages. No idea.   I am quite cosy and smug about this at one point of time and some other time I am a bundle of nerves, not knowing what is it that is going on inside me?

Whatever it is, so long it inspires me to come back to my blog and write I am fine with it.
May be this ‘something’ inside me will never materialize, may be it will but I just hope this will, will me to write and write and write.. 

Till then dear friends and dear me… take care and stay blessed

Friday, January 13, 2017

With love on your birthday.....

Dear Daughter,

On your fifteenth birthday I have so much to say but I am unable to do so.  I think the first and foremost thing to say today to you is 'forgive me', forgive me for all the yelling and screaming and arguing that I do with you, I feel like a monster when I do that to you.  I know these are those difficult years in an individuals life, the teen years when you are neither here nor there and you feel alienated, you feel that the entire world is against you, especially your Mother.   I totally identify with that feeling, it feels like yesterday when I went through the same feelings and I thought my Mother was an insensitive person. It took me almost a  life time, that is till you turned a teenager to realise how it feels to be in the shoes of a Mother but it is ironical that though I totally understand your feelings I am somehow unable to show you the empathy that I must.

I feel strangulated  when I enter the house in the evening after a stressful day , which is almost every day, and the moment I enter the house I start shouting at you , getting irritated at the smallest of things, getting angry at the flimsiest provocations, but all that while there is a person inside me who shouts even louder at me to stop immediately, to be soft, to be smiling to be patient, but it is this monster mother who always wins, and that person inside disappears with tears in her eyes, tears of guilt, anger, stress and mostly guilt.

The fact that I am a working mother is no excuse for what I do to your sister and you almost daily. In fact most of the days when I am on my way home I resolve not to repeat the same scenario but somehow the moment I am inside the house something inside me suddenly snaps and then I am this unfeeling, unsympathetic person who is unstoppable, loaded with a lashing tongue. I think being a working mother I should be trying to make most of the time I get with you, also I need to set an example in front of both of you so that tomorrow when you become Mothers ( I think even both of you might be working Mothers) you do not do what I do to you to your children.

Forgive me my child, I will try again and I will try to give you happy memories which you will treasure when you are all grown up, I wish I can give you memories which will inspire you to be an awesome mother, a mother who is gentle and loving and fun to be with.   I dream of being one, really  I do but somehow each day, every day, I fail miserably and you can not imagine how much I loathe myself for that failure.

On your fifteenth birthday when you are taller than me, more beautiful than I ever was, more articulate and with an amazing way with words which I just love, a sense of humor which cracks up everybody,  I am sure you are going to be a really talented, well read and successful young woman.   All I wish for you is loads of happiness today and every day of your life.  

I recognize an underlying strength in you, I know how much you crave for a smile and an appreciation from me, sorry once again for all the scolding, all the humiliation which I have made you suffer knowingly most of the time and sometimes unknowingly.. just remember I love you and nobody in this world might be able to compete with me on that but I wish even more love to you...

Also I know how much it hurts on your birthday this year because last year on same day I lost my grandmother, who was epitome of beauty , strength and love and I had lost out on some precious time with her and her demise came as a real jolt to me and every one in the family.  I have seen you struggling to come to terms with this sudden loss  especially on the day of your birthday but I am sure she bestows her blessings and love to you from heaven above.  You are special  and will always remain so. 


Monday, December 26, 2016

Happy New Year !



Image result for happy new year 2017


I had been trying to bring my self to write the customary New Year post but after that very enjoyable, very challenging Blog Marathon I was sort of drained out.  Today I have dragged myself to this page.

I am glad that this year has finally come to an end , this year started off damp and then kept on getting damper and damper both personally and professionally.  I do not even want to write down anything fearing that mere mention of these things would bring negativity. Right now I am in the thick of something like the famous ‘Waiting for Godot’, well it seems an unending wait but I am hopeful and shall remain so.

I am thankful to God for all the blessings he has bestowed upon me and my family and I have only one wish for me and all of you who are reading this, to let 2017 be a year of love, hope, peace , good health and happiness. 

With this noble thought and its resonating positivity I take your leave, to meet you next year, hopefully with lots of good cheer and good things to share and yes I am going for another blog marathon for sure.. would you care to join!!!???

Wishing a very happy New year, 2017, to all of you….

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

The finishing Line....post no. 30



It feels so good to see the finishing line at last. 

This Blog Marathon has been exhilarating, there were days when nothing came to the mind, I stared at the blank screen, but eventually the muse came around and the page was filled, oh yes sometimes only half filled, sometimes quarter and sometimes it did over flow. 

Thank you Swarm for pushing all of us into this…it was worth it.  

The feeling of achievement is great and this time there were so many of us encouraging each other, sometimes giving that much needed nudge and push to each other, I loved the team spirit and hand holding I got from so many of you this time. Thank you Deeps and Vincy  and lan too for dropping by.

I got new blogger friends this time around like Scorpria, Shilpa garg, Anu…. Thank you so much for dropping by and giving your comments..and the pleasure is all mine on meeting you and getting to know you during this  blogathon.  

Looking forward to another Marathon soon !! ;)