The Balancing Act

Where am I supposed to get those words and sentences from. The ones which they  dole out so perfectly and it hits the right chord with everyone. Every single day I am pulled deeper and deeper into this endless abyss of thinking that I am worthless , that I have no talent, that i can not write anything which resonates with anyone, leave alone striking a chord. Social media says it is called the 'Imposter syndrome', and I think I am neck deep in it. Nothing and nobody can convince me about my confidence , my knowledge or my capabilities. Sometimes when I go back to re read my posts here I feel that it is written by some one else, i see the comments and I feel vow! that was great and then what happened?? All I can manage to do nowadays apart from doing my job which consumes 8 hours plus another 4 hours of commute to-and-fro every single day is just scroll mindlessly. I just get engrossed in other peoples stories, their immense talent an success. Quite a few of them makes me stop i...

 Traversing through life's rain soaked plains sometimes loosing balance on hilly terrains laughing heartily through blissful bends sometimes living on tear soaked vents Rummaging  through  shattered  dreams sometimes picking up its sturdy pieces calling  friends through dreary , dark nights sometimes realizing they were just shadows not  lights Longing through lonely lanes bracing wounds from shards of  life's window panes Looking inwards through life's learnings sometimes failing sometimes winning

Happy New Year every one!  So this time I am a tad bit late for the customary New year post.   Well, since 2020 life has been on  a roller coaster and for 2025 I only have gratitude, as this year saved me from breaking into pieces. I literally saw miracles in my life and absolutely agree that spirituality can turn around life situations. Good bye to 2025, thanks for all the blessings and all the lessons. A huge welcome to 2026 , no resolutions this year. Only thing I know is that I have surrendered my self unto his lotus feet. Will come back here by the end of the year and will update you on how was the journey.  Let me tell you I have a feeling that this is the best year ever! I am manifesting it with divine blessings.   Till then Happy New year to each one of you.  Have a blessed and peaceful 2026!

 Once upon a time I had posted here on my blog about my best friend with whom I had such love and deep connection and then things went really bad due to a mistake on my part and we never spoke thereafter, for years together. It was not I who ended it and I was extremely sad about it and kept trying to locate her and find out her contact to apologise and gain back her friendship. I never stopped trying and then around 2010 I somehow got her email id and phone number and I wrote to her and called her. She took the call but was silent on the other side. She never replied to my email. I never gave, up I kept trying. You wont believe, yesterday on August 21st after 30 years I talked to her. This was after constant chasing, infact it felt to me as i was stalking her, i kept my ego and shame aside. This time the replies she gave to me baffled me because it was as if she did not remember what had happened , in fact she said that she was looking for me for the last 4 to 5 years....

Happy New Year 2025 :) Before I welcome the New year, one word for the year I am sitting in.. its a year like never before. Just when I thought that I had seen it all, Came 2024 and just cut me to size! Well what to say 2024, I have no words, I cant and I dont want to even start about what you did to me. Anyways I am happy that I will not see you again, my only parting wish is please dont cast your shadow on the coming year, please go for good, period! I do not know if any one visits this blog any more, even I seldom come here. Every one who started blogging along with me are either novelists or some super achiever or the other, here I am sitting in this place Blogosphere all alone and looking around to the barren land.  Literally this place has fallen prey to the Instagrams, vlogs, youtubes and what not! its sad but it is the reality. Who wants to write it when you can just show it isnt it? Well.. to my non existent readers and my self wishing you a very Happy and fabulous New yea...

 Lines that run deep on the  palms crisscrossing and running into mazes are you not in sync with the universe, the manifestations, the affirmations Stars that shine bright on night sky planets that bring fortunes and heights bringing light  and lies Lines that run deep on the  palms should you be read  or the lines on the  brow  the crevices on the  heart the wounds  married to salt are you not in sync with life's pages springing up deep gorges and valleys black clouds and thunderstorms Lines that run deep on the  palms !

The little cottage nestled on the foot of rolling hills green patch with white picket fencings adorning the cozy nook with lacy frills colorful sidewalks spattered with  white and pink daisies quaint table with four cane chairs under the  tree laden with oranges blooming fragrant blossoms drowning all the  cares amidst the calming silhouette of hills looming living the life of dreams every day... In the little cottage nestled on foot of rolling hills misty fog flowing on  beautiful mornings with books to read and songs to sing long lazy days with crochet cardigans to knit little fireplace and warm rugs to sit a lovely lantern hanging above the blue  door   entwined with  beaming bougainvillea  vine amidst dreamy nights oozing stardust shine...

 Another year is about to say good bye to us , a year which was like none other.  A year which will forever be etched in my memory. I lost.. in so many ways.  I gained but do not know wholly and finally about it yet. Amidst this hide and seek game of counting good years and bad years I have almost crossed half a life time.   Hoping for love, happiness, blessings, prosperity and above all peace for me and my family in the coming year 2024! Wishing each one of you who is reading this post a fabulous, happy and absolutely amazingly miraculously blessed year 2024! Happy New Year!!!

just like that  you flew my nest your little nick knacks sit heavy on my chest  your side of the book shelf  looks all tidy and empty tugging hard at  my heart strings  all those outfits you left behind sits pretty like a set of  colourful feathers bringing tears to my dry eyes the almirah is all in order ! but i miss all the chaos the peals of laughter and chit chat the noise that came from your room all is silent now only your sister sits there missing you every minute  once in a while she glances at me with eyes full of sorrow her heart brimming  with stories and talks to share with you missing you every nook and every corner you took a part of us and our hearts with  you we wait excitedly for your calls I long to touch you through the thin phone wall I long to feed you with my hands to your hearts content to your souls solace to hold you close and sleep with you feeling your head on my shoulder once again cradling you like the baby you we...

This year is only 4 months old and it has already knocked me out not once but twice.  This February 26th my Father breathed his last, though I was struggling with his cancer treatment since February '22 and knew that sooner or later he shall leave, but when the moment came, sooner than I expected, it was nothing like what I had ever expected.  Ours was not a typical Father daughter relationship, It was just hanging on threads of responsibility, compassion and the fact that he brought me into this world, even then the vacum and grief which overwhelmed me on his passing  just left me shocked. I had not even recovered from it fully and it was not even 2 months since my father passed that on this  April 23rd my Father in law, who was actually my Father in many ways,  who was the person who showed me the real meaning of a Father's love and how to bring up your kids selflessly passed away just like that, one moment he was there and the next he just vanished.  The...

 The leaf that fell through time on to the  salty tears smelled like rose and tasted like lime the embers of soaring dreams that fell on the curling lashes smelled like jasmine and felt like ice the moments borrowed from someones life that fell through the fire of love and longing on to the damp heart smelled like crushed sandalwood and felt like roaring sea the moment of truth that fell through the time on to the stagnant life smelled like wet earth and felt like a long, cold  night....

Time just flew by leaving me wide eyed its like you were born just yesterday so tiny, so beautiful and today we celebrate your 21st birthday I wish you live long, love a lot and  laugh through a beautiful life my love for you is like a deep ocean with no beginning, no end and so deep that even I am unaware of its depth now that you are on the verge of flying away my heart breaks at the thought but it also swells with pride... that you will be this strong, independent, successful woman who will shine through out her life I love you so much my dear daughter wishing you love, happiness and blessings to you on your birthday and forever....

I almost gave up the idea to post this customoray New Year wish, because the bologsphere is almost barren now. I am talking of the blogosphere which was there when we started off around a decade back, well I digress, this is supposed to be a New Year post. Well, Just hoping hard and praying harder for a virus free year. We almost made it without it for few months and lo and behold, there it is again. I can't bear to think of those times, so will not go there. I am just wanting to have a simple, peaceful, stress free year. A year where I can really practise leaving the worry about future way behind and just savour today,the present, however sour or sweet it is. It really seems like a super power  not to dwell on the past and worry about future,  at least to me it looks like one. Not going the New Year resolutions way also , because been there, done that! Nah! it doesn't work for me. I hope it works for you, go for whatever works for you to bring the cheer on this year ! With lo...

This ocean that I see inside you once it submerged my heart too That sand under your feet  which feels warm and looks neat in a split second  that can give away Can I ask you  to not  go that way? castles that you build on the seashore they are doomed to drown for sure cool breeze of dawn and golden light masks the crawlers of midnight their painful sting can take your life away Can I ask you to not go that way? The tall coconut trees ashore gives no shade even this fuzzy feeling shall fade moonlight might still wane bringing along heartbreak insane only shadows of memories will stay Can I ask you to not go that way? long walks , music and chitchats all those letters and knickknacks which now  light up your eyes  might all then look like lies then be strong and just pray? Can I ask you to not go that way?

When I look around nothing is there   only the urge to write just to feel light also the need to breathe long, shaky breaths though i just can not I try to signal my distress but nothing comes to rescue when I look around  nothing is there only miles of deserted road flanked by nothing again only grey polluted air that claws at the lungs i try to gasp, call for help but nothing comes to rescue When I look around nothing is there only the air thickens  gags the throat  waters the eye so does my mind attack my heart i try to heal, looking for help but nothing comes to rescue When I look around nothing is there not this life,not any lives neither love nor hate only the shroud of thoughts darkens the eye dampens the face stops the heart  my soul calls for help tries to break free but nothing comes to rescue

  I mixed it up all colours orange, red , green, blue, them all thought of creating a beautiful  rainbow but all i came up with was a messy wall, unlike all I mixed it up all struggles, dreams, hardwork, them all thought of becoming this gritty girl but all i became was a defeated warrior, unlike all I mixed it up all emotions, mistakes, yearnings them all thought of writing a touching story but all i came up with was a tale of self pity, unlike all I mixed it up all motherhood, love, sacrifices them all thought of becoming a loved soul but all i had become was a miserable soul, unlike all

 The long, graceful vine tendrils slowly, sweetly tightened its grip jagged breath and blue lip clinged on to betraying fragrant tendrils pearls of foggy love clouded along slowly, hardened feelings feigned sorrow  closed the chapter for a better tomorrow then smothered the tears gathering along Long steps melted into  cold days slowly,  devoid of warmth of hugs naked toes trembled on tattered rugs  desperately seeking sun kissed  bright days

 splashes of ice cold water  jolted frayed nerves  out of the trance deep hollow eyes darkened with lack of sleep lines and crowfeet running deep  thinning hair and waning courage are these the signs of a crumbling mirage fumbling around with octopus hands clinging on to strands of smile, words, jumbled and crumpled, lightning of laughter, mayflowers from overcast memory, leaning on loaded love with promise of unknow future fate, destiny or just wrong decisions karma of several lives emotions boil up and down like  the seams of a thirsty river flowing silently in anticipation of rain to just uproot all shoots of the pain....

The scorching, tearing pain  that I went through was not in vain The moment I saw your curly eyelashes and soft face That  was the beginning of my life's new phase Your first steps and babbles I still remember our little squabbles you were a quiet but happy child happy with a sweet, happy on a slide falling from the cycle and running in the parks waiting for mamma to hug you for those superb marks when did it all disappear and you grew up to be a beauty Suddenly i was reminded of all my mom duty Look how the days just passed by you out grew my lap and the lullaby you are all ready to fly away soon may you achieve the sun and the moon The sound  of your peals of laughter our long nights and your incessant chatter I will miss you each time I pass by your room you are so precious you are no less than an heirloom Go touch the horizon and conquer the sky  In case you ever want rest and to come by You will find me right here baby , waiting by the door your mamma with heart...

Marigolds showered on your Lotus feet gleams gold and orange colors  infinite pools of kindness that  shine in  your eyes calm my frayed nerves like drizzles of ice your beautiful flutes soul stirring tune is akin to soothing hues of moon fragrant  butter and cool milk platter is offered to you amidst chaos and clatter It rains hope, love and peace on my heart erases each of my pain and all the hurt envelopes me in a fog of serenity I am indebted forever to your divinity do not vanish  in between, leaving me alone grappling with life's turns unknown please hold my hand and show the way or to your abode  just take  me away ....